Views of Ireland

Yesterday, being St Patrick's Day, the evening tele shows were themed Irish.  Boyd and I watched scenes from Dublin, Doolin, County Cork.  We watched people seek out Leprachauns in a forested area that has been preserved by the government to protect the little people.  Many local folk testified to their eyewitness accounts of the leprachauns and the fairy circles and the pot of gold.  The scenery was breath taking.  Green pastures, white sheep, rock walls, castles, gray skies and people in wool and tweed speaking with a thick brogue. 

The Irish people portrayed in the show were very proud of who they are, where they are and the legends and stories that are their culture.  The history lends itself to the belief that the Irish are a hearty folk with a love of stories and superstitions.  A way to knit themselves together to survive the intense harshness beneath the greenery.  It may not be harsh now, but it certainly has seen many a difficult day, and the past is worn proudly - as a badge of courage and strength. 

Guiness on tap and certain Irish whiskeys as well as the many many ways to prepare potatoes were also explored during our Irish television fest yesterday.  The restaurants and tourist venues are becoming more modern, while keeping their roots in tact.  The Irish have the bounty of the sea available to them, but in the past fish had not been a popular item to eat; partly because of the Catholic influence of fish on Fridays as a penance.  Nowadays, however, many Chefs are discovering and promoting the wonders of the ocean, making Ireland a competetive force in the culinary and hospitality world.

Boyd and I have alot of Irish blood in our genetic backgrounds.  It might be interesting to see the places where our ancestors lived.  Of course, the ones I know about left Ireland for America as soon as they could.  Their lives certainly changed when they landed in New York. 

accepting the unchangable

it is normal for me to believe that bad things can be changed into good things...that broken things can be "fixed".  that seems like the american way.

it is not always true. 

some things are what they are and nothing can be done to make them better.  i am refering to chronic pain from a physical situation that will only get worse, never better.

accepting a seriously limiting situation is almost unbearable.  some people seek out those dramatic realms and wear the limiting qualities with pride, however, most folks are bucking broncos to the bitter end.  i do not think either type is a happy person.  how can one be content when there is always tear inducing pain in the background of everything you think, say or do?  the only flip side is a zombie like druggedness that allows the person to exist in a semi concious state. 

how can one be contented and happy when there is no way out of the pain?  all avenues have been explored and exhausted.  the pain stays.  forever.  there is no hope for anything better.  ever.  and you have another 30 years to live this way.

you manage your pain medication as best you can.  you see the physiotherapist monthly.  you try to be sure to get all your basic survival list covered - get enough food, water, sleep, rest.  you try to maintain a relationship with a world that does not understand a limitation like this.  a cynical world of unsympathetics who cannot understand what you live with.

the physical pain is one thing.  the anger is another.  the anger comes out of the pain.  anger at the doctors who caused the pain.  anger at the people who do not understand you, who are not able to understand you.  anger because your life is controlled by people other than yourself...doctors, insurance companies, corporations run by robotic money making machinery that is based on statistics and personal agendas of billionaires who have no interest in the "little guy", only their own pocketbooks.

the emotional pain does not go away either.  it is always there and it grows.  there is a large holding tank in your psyche crammed full of the rage you have felt for years.  the rage of a hopeless man.  and everytime a piece of life happens that the emotional pain in that holding tank can relate to - all the rage begins to quiver, shake...and eventually a tsunami of anger washes over everyone in the wake of that dark energy.  the people close to you are hurt and now you feel even worse than you did before, because you have hurt people you love.

so you try to love them more.  you try to make up for the pain that seeps out of your cracks and infects those who love you...those who will not go away to save themselves.  it infuriates you and it comforts you at the same time to know that these people love you as they do.

how can this pain be diffused?  how can it be made non-toxic?

eckhart tolle tells me that it must be accepted.  that we must surrender to the things that cannot change.  he says that surrender is freeing and not a weakness.  that there is great strength in it and only a surrendered person has spiritual power.  through surrender you will be free internally of the situation.  drop all inner resistance and feel the here and now. 

i think that can help with the emotional pain.  the physical pain will be what it is regardless, however, perhaps if the emotional pain is diffused then the physical pain might be lessened somewhat.  stress and depression do cause physical pain.  perhaps part of the physical pain is due to the emotional stressors.

accept that the pain is here to stay
accept that it was caused by someone else and there is no recompense
accept it is unfair and that is the way it is
accept that people will not always understand you and your situation - and that has to be okay
accept that you are not what you do, but what you are
accept that you have limitations - and that is okay
accept that you still do have some choices to make with your life.

there are probably more things to accept.

this is a big deal.  a huge deal.  it will take a very strong person to be able to do this.  a strong person that might appear weak to some...a paradox.

watching and learning about toxic energy

I had been doing well keeping my emotions at a livable level and then something happened to throw me off kilter.  it is a typical thing; has happened many times and I have always been affected by it.  the problem will always be a problem and it will always be somewhere in my life.  i will not bore you with the details of the problem.  the point of my post is about how i am trying to deal with it.

i took the advice of eckhart tolle and "watched" my emotions play out in me.  watching was difficult.  it was supposed to help me to detach from the pain of the problem, and still be connected with  my clean essence.  it did not work well.  perhaps because it was my first try.

hearing, seeing and being with the problem (that nothing can be done about) is emotionally painful.  my energy fell to zero instantly.  i began to feel ill with nausea and pains in the body.   i felt unmotivated and lazy and i wanted to nap or watch television.  i also wanted to eat cake.  it was bread making time - so i made sourdough french and irish soda bread.  however i sabatoged the soda bread by putting more sugar than necessary - and cooking it so that it was much more like a cake.  and i ate about half of the cake.  the breads were good and i loaded them with butter.  the warmth was soothing and comforting.  the sweetness in my mouth was pleasant.  but i did not feel nourished by the food.  i still felt the void caused by the toxic energy.  i did not feel that the pleasantness i received from over eating the carbohydrates was of high enough quality to compensate for the unbalanced nutrition.

i was not able to connect with me yesterday.  i only felt the toxic energy and my emotions waltz around and toss me in their wake, trying to get my breath and not be drowned by the whole dynamic.

eventually it was bedtime and i succumbed to a dream filled nightime.  i slept longer than usual and awoke to renewed positive energy.  the toxic atmosphere had gone away.  the problem had been put away.  the problem's vessel is trying to live in cleaner energy - but we are all constantly learning how to abide with pain.  it is a very thin line.

ridiculousness

i went to the emergency room back in september for stress induced chest pain.  everything checked out okay and i was released with a clean bill of health. 

i am still receiving a bill from the hospital's laboratory. the bill does not belong to me.  it belongs to my insurance company.  the insurance company says they won't pay it until the lab puts it on the proper form.  the lab won't put it on the proper form.

yesterday i received a notice telliing me that they are sending my unpaid bill to a collection agency.

how does our society continue to exist with such ridiculousness running things?

grass, weeds, dirt, bugs, bunnies and gophers

when your house sits in the middle of 4 acres of dirt, grasses, weeds - and the southern california winter is unusually wet, you get a proliferation of green growth.  most of the dirt here is clay and holds the mositure for quite awhile, but when it dries, it is like cement.  boyd and i planted pepper trees around the perimeter this year, and the rain was perfect for them.  they are flourishing; all of the "babies" are full of newly sprouted growth.  fortunately magnet does not bother them very much.  pepper trees must not be very tasty.

we have cordoned off two areas for Magnet to roam.  He keeps one very close shaven, but the one in front is still quite tall.  He enjoys that pasture immensley.  We like to pretend we have a few areas that are actually "our yard".  They are nearest the house and I planted flowers, veggies,herbs, etc. and I keep it trimmed up and mostly neat. 

However, that leaves probably 2 1/2 acres of wildness.  I've been mowing for three days.  I have chosen to use the gas powered walking mower so I can get in some more exercise.  Surprisingly it is very tiring.  The sunshine and cool air have been great.  I've been getting tired muscles and a suntan.  Nice.  I feel accomplished when I stand back and look at the completed parts.  Most of the grass/weed mix is about shin high and is still pretty wet.  The mower bogs down often and when it stalls out I turn it over and scrape wet grass from the underbelly of the cutting machine.  The dogs love to eat that mess.  I put most of it in a pile to mulch.

The thicker portions of green are the most difficult to manage and yesterday I decided to do them later - and to attack the easiest areas first.  I need to see the accomplishment in order to keep my motivation up.  Constantly banging away at the thick stuff can be brutally disheartening after awhile.  I will climb aboard the riding mower today and finsih the deeper areas.  I figure once I have whacked it down once with that,  I can re-mow with the walking mower and chop it closer...and the walking mower will pick up the piles of cut grass and spread them over a larger area, hopefully to plant more grass seeds, etc. etc.

Something really icky happened yesterday though.  I was skirting the perimeters, so I could see the edges of hills today on the riding mower.  I dont wanna go slip sliding away.  I ran over a bunny.  It screamed and legs went flying.  Yeah.  It was horrible.  Emma thought is was great.  She and Abbey happily took care of the remains while I got angry and cried. You'd think the noise of the mower would have scared it away before I got to it!  Dumb bunny.  poor bunny.  After that I stopped the mower for awhile and listened to crickets yelling at me...I was disturbing their home and they were angry I was changing their ecosytem all around.  i was the ugly american.  it was disturbing.  i decided it was time for a break.

after an hour of rest and water i re-entered the grass world and continued my swath of destruction.  i pushed the clinical thoughts into my mind.  rabbits are pests that eat my veggies and herbs.  gophers too.  then i ran over a gopher.  yup.  a medium sized pup.  ack!  since when is mowing grass such a vicious undertaking? argh.  big sigh.

the grasses and weeds have to be kept low.  it will soon turn brown in the southern california summer the law tells us it has to be short due to fire precautions.  and it looks so pretty when it is short.  of course, it looks pretty long too... argh.

magnet and the ladies

After Magnet eats his breakfast of rolled barley I take him out to the front pasture to graze.  I don't mow the grass in there yet and he can happily munch away at the different grasses and weeds.  He is used to this routine and approaches me when I bring the lead and harness towards him.  His natural llamaness still rears its silly head sometimes, but usually he is fully cooperative.  He likes the front pasture; He can see all the horses that live on the other side of the street.  For the past week there have been several different horses move through the closest corral.  The ranch breeds their stallion and we often see various gigantic horse trailers loading and unloading their beautiful mares.  After I lead Mags to the pasture and let him loose, I hang around and watch them for awhile.  The horses in the corral are attentive at first.  Most horses have never seen a llama and are quite curious.  Magnet begins to slowly amble over to the fenceline to get a better look, but he won't look at them as he walks over.  He will stop here and there for a bite of grass, turn his back on them for awhile and nonchalantly glance at them.  Ultimately he will plant himself squarley in front of them and stare for 3 or 4 minutes.  the ladies are funny about it too.  They pretend they are not looking at him.  They turn their backs on him, go poop in front of him, perhaps claiming their territory - I don't really know for sure.  They pace nervously and whinny a bit, as if they can't quite make it out.  What is that thing?

I am easily amused.

Morning

I arose earlier than usual today.  Since I have no formal job at present I have developed a habit of rising after 9am.  Today however, I was up at 8ish.  Boyd and I were up late last night watching disc number 5 of season 3 of the LOST series - we were up till midnight.  Don't really know what prompted my arisal, but it is a beautiful day and I am enjoying it while hubby sleeps in. 

I love the quiet of my home.

The sun and breeze and clouds combined with birdsong is wonderful.  From my computer I look out onto the back acre full of green grass with clover and little yellow flowers making a carpet out to the eucalytus trees.  the young CA oak tree is crammed full of new growth.  I think the tree will actually double in size this season.  Gorgeous.  all the trees are gracefully choreographed my mother wind and a harmony fills my heart.  beauty, peace, inner stillness are short lived qualities that i adore when they present.

smokey has had her morning rituals completed and is happily snoozing on her chair.  abbey and emma await their breakfast, as does magnet.  i have some veggie leftovers for mags, which emma will inspect before he is allowed to eat them.  emma owns the world.  she will turn her nose at cucumber peelings and bell pepper tops and allow the 315 pound llama to eat them.  if it were something she liked however - she would take it from him.  he would chase her around the yard, trying to stomp on her - and she would escape the  fence line to lie down and taunt him with her claim.  she is such a control freak.  and on occasion she likes fruit, mags favorite.  especially bananas.

coffee is brewed, oatmeal is made and consumed while i check facebook for friends comments, etc.  then i check on my mafiosa and collect my incomes, do my jobs, send gifts, buy guns, whatever the family needs are - i take care of it - and then i retire to either blogspot or scrabble and comics for awhile.  what a life, eh?  i love it actually.  sometimes i am bored, but usually not too much.  later i will work in the yard, pull weeds, start the pumpkin seeds, plant two early tomatoes, and perhaps mow some more grass.  that is a never ending job here.  the only appointments i really have are dentist, doctor and shrink.  i like going to the shrink.  the dentist gives me gas, so i like that okay - except when the pain meds wear off, and the doctor is kinda benign.  he just likes to keep check on the basics of me a few times a year.  no biggie there, except to hope you don't get sick by going to his office.

i apply for jobs every week.  they are few and far between.  in my field - f&b management - they have pretty much dried up.  i am now applying for clerical positions as well.  i will never be hired for any of them.  the competition is so much stronger than i am now.  i do not have that animal-like striving in  my core anymore.  don't get me wrong - we need the money, but i am willing to live with less in order to have less stress.  the stress hurts me. i dont like that.  neither does boyd.  i receive unemployment until it runs out - perhaps by christmas time.  we will have the upstairs remodeled and rented out by then i think.  we are also looking to remodel our family tv room as a small efficiency apartment to rent.  between the two we can pay the mortgage.  that will be very helpful.  thinking about this used to make me ill, but i think we are okay now.

my mug is empty.  on to another cup a joe and scrabble.  by my rules.