New Day, New Chapter of Life...

To Do List For New Chapter of this Life of Mine

Get Time Management Down for the following:

Till Garden
Join Writer's Workshop in San Diego
Diet Regime
Exercise Regime
Purge House and Shed
Walk Dogs Daily
Finish cupboard
Finish sewing Projects
Visit Dad once a month
Call Sisters 
Continue relationships with children and grandchildren
Do something fun with Boyd at least once a week.

My Love Hate Relationship with Food

When I was young I loved to eat.  Cookies, cakes, ice cream, anything sweet was best.  I don't think there were many foods I would not eat.  My Mom cooked beef tongue once, and venison liver once...I would not eat those.  But, to be fair, I tasted them.  My Mom was not a good cook, so it might have been her.  I don't know which was the problem.  My grandmothers were excellent cooks; both creating tasty treats and meals extraordinaire!  Gravies and sauces thick with cream and butter were the name of the game.    When we stayed with my mother's mother - my Grandmother, we often went to potlucks with her groups - the VFW ladies and her church ladies. Such a variety of delectable goodies.  I was a happy girl.  Almost every photograph of me as a child shows me holding a cookie or some other piece of food.  My father's mother - my Grandma, had plans of opening a restaurant one day with her friend Ina.  It never happened, but she was always prepared to do so.  Sunday dinners at Grandma and Grandpa's house were many courses of well prepared European delights.  Grandpa was a butcher and they both had some German heritage, and many of the cold cuts (charcuterie) were the best in the state.  We always had the best cuts of meat.

That all sounds pretty good, eh?  For the best part it was, however, I was born a large person.  9 and a half pounds and about 18 inches long, I was a chubby baby.  My mother was able to leave the hospital three days after my birth, wearing the travelling suit she wore on her honeymoon about a year before.  My Dad was so proud of her.  She was a beauty and her body and health were very important to her.  When she was pregnant she was diagnosed as pre eclamptic and she was admitted to the hospital early so that she could lose weight and they could be careful of her blood pressure.  She was in a ward with women who were much heavier than she.  She told me they were fed extremely little and very bare foods with no sauce or flavoring.  She craved donuts while she was there and was so happy when I was born and she could eat again.  It looked as though her baby had taken all her calories and stored them as fat, because my mom was quite small after my birth.  I was not a breast fed baby.  In the 1950's hospitals were afraid of staph infections and discouraged breast feeding.  And, honestly, it would seem like I (fat baby) was eating her (thin mommy) alive.

That said, I was fed nonfat milk and healthy balanced meals, with attention given to not over eating.  I was healthy chubby and very strong.  I was a happy little person who was loved and felt properly accepted in her family.  When my sister Gigi was born I was two years old.  When Sigrid was born I was four and when Jill was born I was seven.  None of my sisters were chubby, nor did they have a passion for eating as I had.  As I grew it seemed I was always hungry.  

I do not know when it started - the people telling me - "you'd be so pretty if only you were not so fat", and the "such a pretty face if only...".   I heard those so many times in my life, I could probably travel to the moon on that many feet.  And, eventually, I was "fatty, fats, chubby, husky, cow, elephant", etc.  None of it stopped me from eating.  In fact, I began sneaking food, stealing food, and eating it in some hidden place.  

Some people nowadays think that fat people have been raised on fast food and that is the main problem; that people are not knowledgeable of nutrition and health.  Perhaps it is true of some, however - it was not so in my case.  We didn't go to fast food restaurants until I was in middle school, the late 60's/early 70's.  I was about 12 years old...just in time for puberty.  When that delicious form of food was introduced I was hooked.  I loved Burger King, McDonald's and Taco Bell.  I did not know that the reason for its tastiness was extra fat, sugar and salt; and I don't know if I would have cared at that age. It was consumed so rarely that the unhealthiness was ignored, When Mom decided to try drinking soda pop at home, it was Diet Tab and then Diet Fresca.  Always "Diet", never "regular' soda pop in our home.  Consumption was strictly monitored.  And, if I remember correctly, we didn't have it around until I was in high school, sometime in the early 1970's.

Many changes occurred 1968 to 1972.  Puberty, Grandmother's death,  a major emotional devolvement with my parents and my place in the family.  Apparently I was not helping the family by trying to take care of things for mom and dad.  It disrupt everyone and made trouble for all.  My sisters hated me and my folks told me to stop 'loving' them, my Grandmother (my confidante) had died and I had no best friend because of the politic of girls on the block.  I wasn't good enough, I didn't know why really.  Perhaps it was the saddle shoes I had to wear when everyone else had gone to other styles.  Perhaps it was my chubbiness, or my homemade clothes. I was alone.  Alone with the feelings of a person growing up, discovering so many different feelings in herself that were not explained, not supported.  Happy little girl quickly turned into depressed little girl.  Social anxiety and depression were my constant companions.  I did not know it at the time, but I also had obsessive compulsive disorder.  (Learning that recently helps explain many feelings).  I had many bad thoughts because of OCD.  I thought I was an evil person, a bad person.  My family told me so.  I could not make friends well.  That told me so.  I was just a B student, nothing special.  

What made me feel good in junior high school were the giant sticky buns that the cafeteria ladies made - hot, sweet and gooey, along with a steamy styrofoam cup of hot chocolate on a cold L.A. morning before classes.  And then, at nutrition - Nacho Doritos and Dr. Pepper.  An allowance well spent.  I don't remember what was for lunch, probably a sandwich of some sort.    I can still remember the smile that food gave me.  The happiness was not long lasting, but it was intense.  I think this was the first time food was my ally.

During high school and young womanhood I was always dieting.  The grapefruit and hamburger patty diet, the all vegetable and grain diet, the mostly meat diet, the Snickers diet, weight watchers diet, diet pills, Jack la Lane, Gloria Marshall, dance classes...there are more, but you get the picture.  

They all work - for awhile.  I was never more than 20 pounds over weight until I was pregnant in my mid twenties.  Then I blossomed.  I gained 80 pounds in my first pregnancy.  I was pre eclamptic and admitted to the hospital early for observation.  I was put on bed rest, where my mother in law (another wonderful cook) fed me.  Midwestern comfort food is so tasty.  And so fattening.  After the baby, I was able to lose all the weight I gained with exercise and diet.  Richard Simmons tapes helped me alot.  I love Richard Simmons.  His kindness always inspired me.  

I got down to a healthy weight and got pregnant again and gained about 70 pounds.  The weight loss happened the same as before...but I did not get quite as low.  I walked and walked with my children and I was strong, but still heavy.  I took classes at the junior college - dance classes, weight lifting classes...and I was strong - but still 'husky'.I got pregnant again and gained 80 pounds - to the heaviest I have ever been - 250 pounds.  The child was born with anomalies and died at 4 months old.  There was no diet for awhile.  

And then my husband was injured.  I realized I would have to go to work and perhaps be the strong one for awhile.  So I dieted.  (Because I knew that people like to hire pretty people, healthy people, and strong people) "The Diet Center Diet" was the best diet I've ever used.  It was healthy, balanced and the counselors helped me to stay motivated.  Eventually I came to work for the company, selling weight loss.  I got down to my smallest adult size then.  Size 6.  I was about 35 years old I think.  

When I was small I received so many compliments, stares, congratulations ... and it made me happy and then it made me mad.  Suddenly I was wonderful because I was pretty in people's eyes. That made me so angry.  It still does.  My "beauty" was dependant upon my size.  Again. 

I feel as though I am not a whole person because I am not pretty at my current 225 pounds.  Hardly anyone bothers to look at me.  When I go shopping with my sister in law (5 years younger than me) I am referred to as her mother.  I do not feel happy with myself and therefore I can make others feel bad too.  The thought of going on another diet is boring and hateful.  In the evenings, when my idea machine is working its best, I think of all sorts of things I can do...and then morning comes and the same old life, same old feelings of inadequacy loom before me.

There are many many stories left out of this post.  Basically I love to eat good food with other people who like to eat good food.  I hate eating with people who judge every bite I take, or the content of my plate.  During those times, I'd rather not eat.  I am a horrid cook, and getting worse.  One time a man looked me up and down and said that I must be a good cooker.  I was confused for a tiny moment and then I laughed and told him that I was not.  Then he was confused.  Really?  If you are fat it is because you are a good cook?  I'd never considered that before.

Many of the foods that I eat that keep me overweight are not foods that I like.  The calories I consume at lunches out with my friends are not enough to keep me here in the 200 pound zone. Part of the problem is depression, the unwillingness to take possession of my life and get up off the couch.  Go for a walk...just for fun.  Maybe take the dogs on an outing.  Instead I go wrestle a few pieces of bread out of their wrapper, smear them with butter, peanut butter, honey or jam (or maybe all together) and devour them in two or three bites; giving my esophagus something to choke on while I mentally cry as I stare out the window.  (or the closet wall...wherever...)  I go to the market and purchase what I think we need for dinner and buy 2? fresh donuts (or cookies, or...?) and eat them before I get home.  I store stashes of sweets around the house.  Sometimes I forget and find them later.  It's like Christmas!  

I try to not have my husband see me eat.  Especially the treats.  I know it upsets him. My son gives me stern talking to's about taking care of myself.  My daughter commiserates with me about food cravings and related fattie ideas and the psychology of it all.  I've been to a counselor/therapist and a psychiatrist for many years. Not always about food, but food is always related to whatever the thing I am talking about is. I've tried to lose weight biblically....worst thing ever!  Well, once it was the worst.  Once it worked okay.  Christianity and guilt go together in my mind... a whole spider web of disease there. 

Now, at 59 years old and 225 pounds at 5'7" tall, I need to lose weight to live.  Pretty is gone.  If I want to live, I need to lose the fat that surrounds and encompasses my internal organs, my heart feels a constant squeeze, especially if my asthmatic lungs are shortened and swollen, the fat that droops off of my weak muscles and piles on my belly is another hurdle, another obstacle that makes life difficult.  Merely moving is effort.  Breathing is effort.  I know what needs to be done.  I know how to do it.  I have known most of my life.  Can you imagine waking up every morning of your life and thinking - "God, I am so ugly...I am so fat"?  I wait...and I wait...for what?  Death? I've gambled with my health and the timing of the ultimate diseases...and I think, no I BELIEVE I've met the line.  If I go beyond this line I will lose the bet. 

 If I give up on this - weight loss- it is the same as giving up on life.  I take pills for high blood pressure, thyroid and depression/OCD.  These things are managed with the medicines but I am not a healthy person. Why is there no magic pill for weight loss?  Well, there sorta is, but it hurts my heart.  Ack!  I hate writing this!

Horse Expo 2015

Friday, Saturday and Sunday.   We (Cindy and I) rented a room near the Los Angeles Fairplex at a very low rate (thank you sister Lula, who is a reservations agent with Marriott!)  Not having to deal with going home to San Diego is what made this trip possible.  It is about one hundred miles from our home to the fairplex...which is actually in Pomona, but is called the L.A. County Fair.

The Horse Expo is a coming together of vendors who sell horsie product, farm stuff, cowgirl and cowboy things.  A very nice selection - at mostly lower prices than in the store.  We saw tractors, horse trailers, clothing, hats, horse and dog health items, feeds, All in all - a great selection of things to buy.  I bought a new hat - with a 4 inch brim!, and Cindy bought a pretty red dress and a small purse - which really isn't a purse - it is leather and it clips to the belt and it is about five inches square.  Very cute stuff.  Oh!  And we got lots of samples.  Shampoo, fly wipe,   I also bought a product to make my dog stop scratching herself.  It seems to have worked!

There is food and drink available inside the park - or you can leave the event and dine elsewhere.  We did both.  Inside the expo we ate fish tacos and drank lemonade...and Cindy tried some shots of an apple liqueur.

Many exhibitors were there, clinicians too.  I chose to watch the cowboys Chris Cox and Craig Cameron as they taught us about the importance of the outside rein, some of the details of advanced riders.  We enjoyed a cutting demonstration.  It looks like fun to single out one cow from a herd and keep him away from the herd for 45 seconds.  The horses were eye to  eye with the cows.  Wonderfully trained animals.  There was also the Super Horse Challenge - 10 cowboys/girls and their horses competed in an obstacle course challenge.  Three different times  - with one  being the last one where the winner is announced.  Our favorite was Peter, but Don won.  I have to say that I've never seen a person sit in a saddle as good as Don does.  No air ever.  No bouncing - he was perfect. Some of the obstacles were jumps, walk through water, put horses feet on a barrel and turn, walk backwards, walk backwards and push a big ball into the goal, walk through a bunch of "trash", walk through a "carwash" and shoot a gun.

Another event I enjoyed was done by The Wild Horse and Donkey Federation.  America has many many wild horses and donkeys.  They have no predator and the population is out of balance.  So - each year many of these wild mustangs and donkeys are rounded up and placed in different institutions to be gentled and trained.  It is one of the wonderful prison programs available.  At one year old the animals are put up for adoption.  There were two yearlings that were very precious looking - they had curly hair!  And, apparently they are hypoallergenic!  I did not bring one home.  But we wished we could have.  What fun to play with a baby horse - to train him and her to be grown ups.  Mustangs seem to have builds that I like.  They are sturdy looking horses.  Compact and strong and hardy.  Strong and fast and they have endurance.  The mustang is the American horse.

Saturday evening we ate dinner at a betting facility.  It was very big and very noisy.  We did not realize there was a pay per view fight that night - so we had to hurry and skedaddle or be charged $10 extra for taking up space there.  Interesting group of drunk people there.

Saturday was a lovely time to share with our friend Julie.  She met many people there that she knew...so I think she had a good time too.  Julie has two horses.  One is named Ronan and he is a Gypsy Vanner - a beautiful boy.  The other is a very tall horse - Hudson is 18 hands!

On the drive home on Sunday we stopped at a bar in San Juan Capistrano, where the Super Bowl was on.  It was the 4th quarter and the score was Patriots - 14 and Seahawks - 24.  By the time we'd eaten - I thought that the Seahawks would win.  I was surprised this morning.  Must have been an exciting last quarter.

I learned a  lot at the horse expo.  It keeps getting smaller.  That is sad - because it means the economy is worse and people can't afford horses anymore.

rainy day

Water from the sky
bouncing on the ground
Drips echo and
form puddles
many different paths
through the clay it delves
changing landscape
changing footing
horses wak and sink
creating little lakes
pee and poop is swimming
pools of horse apples spiced with urine
yellow puppy racing
through the muddy depths
brown puppy wants inside
wait till your dad can clean you
you dirty little mess
so happy and so wet
a chocolate lab at last
i hear her splash and run
and jump and slip and slide and roll
my husband soaked with water
mud and slime and grass
what has he been doing
in the yard this long
in the rain
in the mud
in the wonder of the weather
smiling
till they get inside
brown puppy shakes
yellow puppy emerges
from the once clean towel
like mama's tongue clean
little puppy smiles
water from the sky
still bounces on the ground

Mojitos from my Friend

I am enjoying my first mojito.  It is blueberry flavored and kick ass strong.  The mint is from our yard.  The sugar rimmed glass is yummy.  The blueberry plus vodka (?) is very yummy 80 proof.  I feel myself relaxing.  

First my shoulders feel tense and then they slowly give way to a lower silhouette...and the rest of the body follows suit.  Wow.  This is lovely.

I had a wonderful conversation with my daughter today - via e-mail - and I made plane reservations to visit her in Seattle over Valentine Weekend.  I am happy.  Boyd and I will babysit while Laura and Ian enjoy a Valentine date night.  I hope they make reservations for something fun and wonderful.

I am losing my language skills as I hit the halfway mark on the glass.  Lisa said to bang on the ceiling when I want another drink.  I think the broom is next to the washing machine.  It will make a good banger.

Boyd and Andrew bought the parts to complete the automatic gate today.  It was a very reasonable Craig's List find.  Having an automatic gate will be great!  Everyone will appreciate it - rather than having to get in and out of the car to open and close the large gate.

When I return from Seattle I will get in contact with the Carlsbad Antique Mall and see if I can rent a booth.  I want to sell all my old "stuff".  The stuff that I have accumulated over 35 or more years.  I've enjoyed some of it - and some of it has always been in the garage or shed.  I'd like to get down to basics soon.  Minimal stuff.  I can make some money and enjoy the atmosphere of antiques - and if I want to, I can peruse estate sales and keep the booth going for a while.  I think my step mother and father have things they want to be rid of also.  And I bet their stuff is older than mine!  

We will go whale hunting and chasing tomorrow.  Perhaps I will have good photos to post.  It is fun to chase them.  We cannot keep up with the extremely fast critters - but it seems they have a feeding routine that we can anticipate.  They are so beautiful and it is much fun.  Memo to self - wear sunscreen!

Lucy is getting better at minding.  I played with her today and she came every time I called...even though it took some time - she Did come.  Good girl Lucy.

Okay, time to bang on the ceiling.  Have a lovely evening.  

Poop Makes the World Go Round

We have quite a bit of poop in our yard.  And most of it is re-usable.  Yay!

Later I will be collecting different varieties and re-homing it in the various sections of my garden, where it will cook in bacteria until it is planting time.  Then the nutrients from the poop will help all the veggies grow and produce wonderful foods.



Is everyone fascinated by feces?  After we use the toilet, do we look at the little logs swirl down the waterways; evaluating our health based on its color and texture and aroma?  Well, color me weird, but I do.  I think I always have.

 Animals examine their own poo.  I've watched the horses, llama, dogs and cats do it.  It is a sort of communication sometimes.  I've seen them eat it too.  The dogs and coyotes and chickens love to eat the horse poop.  Actually, I think the chickens are eating the bugs in and around it.  Dogs used to get more greens in their diets, but with commercial dog foods, they sometimes feel they need more, so they chow down on it.  I've seen the llama eat his own stuff.  Yeah.  

chicken poo

horse poo aka "road apples"

ooh...gross!!

Birds use their poop to help build their nests...and we can use horse poop, clay and straw...shape it into a brick and build our own human nests.




There are many very well built building made with this adobe.

You can use cow poop to help start a fire.

break it into smaller pieces and light your kindling

are you serious?

i will eat your wooden house, furniture, boat...

termite poop

You can tell if your house has termites if you see their poop under your window sills.  It is so tiny that it looks like dust.

Worms leave poop that we call "castings".  People grow worms just to get the castings and sell it as fertilizer.  Great stuff!  And, of course, we've all heard about bat guano - and its wondrous properties via Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura.

We recycle a lot here at the ranch.  I feed my food scraps to chickens. They eat them and it turns into chicken poop.  I pick it up and put in the garden area where I let it "cook" until it doesn't look like poop anymore.  It looks like dirt.  I use the horse and llama poop in the garden also.  I plant tomatoes and bell peppers and strawberries and other things that we eat...and the animals eat the leftovers - and the whole thing starts over again.  It is a pretty cool deal!

Some people use the gas from cows (and probably other animals as well) to make energy to run motors.  I don't think I'd want my car to smell like cow farts though.

Anyway - poop is a great thing!  It makes the world go round.

Thanks for listening/reading

 

Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.  I thought it was a made up disease - but it is real.  I've had it for the last 2 weeks and it is highly contagious - so I've quarantined myself.  It is a painful child's virus that causes spots and later blisters that itch and burn on your hands, feet and inside your mouth.  Usually you get it if you are under 5 years old.  My father says that this proves that I am young at heart.  When an adult gets it - it is harsher - kinda like chicken pox is.  A child can have it and keep right on playing.

Staying home - on the couch or in bed for a week is monstrous!  The itching!  The burning!  Death by one thousand cuts - and pour vinegar on the cuts! Then another week moving out to the yard for little bits of time..   Can I complain louder?

The thing I am having a problem with now is whether or not I am still contagious.  The different Internet sites say I am contagious until Jan 30th.  My doctor says I am no longer contagious.  Most of the "spots" have callused over and peeled.  There is still some itching, but the fever is and pain is gone.  My husband and son have not gotten it - and they were both exposed when I was.  The virus travels in human fluids - spit, really.  I got it because I shared cereal with my grandson - who showed no signs of the virus, but had been exposed.  He was a carrier.  

I will not share spit with the people at the grocery store.  But, will they handle the shopping cart without cleaning it?  Wipe their eyes or mouth - unsuspecting that a treacherous virus lurk between the plastic and the metal of the handle?  But - then I think - well, everyone who has the flu has a virus - and most of them go out in public and spread it around willy nilly.  They don't care if they spread their disease.  Why should I care?  But, I do.  Care, I mean - I care.

I imagine if people out in public saw me wearing plastic gloves and a face mask - they may become alarmed.  "What does she have"? they will whisper.  "The plague?  Ebola"?  Talk about drawing attention to yourself.  

So, I will stay mostly at home for yet another week.  When the peeling skin becomes less noticeable, and there are no more red spots.  It is lonely staying home.  And the rejection one feels when people know you are ill - and they do not want to catch it, is quite depressing.  It feels like a total lack of love.  Of course it is not.  I do not want them to suffer what I have.  

Of course, if an enemy of mine where to ramble over to my door - I might be tempted to spit.  If I have any enemies, that is.  I don't think I do.