Life and Rocks

My muscles are getting stronger.  I don't have the lactic acid sting anymore and I have been doing alot of shoveling, weed pulling, etc.  I feel stronger and I like it.  I actually like feeling the sweat roll off of my face as I grunt doing hard work in the sunshine.  And I like not having to ask for help all the time.  Of course, I have set new precendents - and I hope I don't live to regret it.  Boyd knows I can do some of the harder work now.  He has seen what I can do.  Now he may expect more and more of me.  Eek!

Outdoor work is much more Zen-like than office type work.  I can just BE and not have to think too much about people-type things.  Watching the seeds sprout and turn into baby plants is very encouraging...very basic and true.  No duality there...just a being doing its thing.  It is positive energy and it feels good. 

I went to see my shrink yesterday.  I told her how life has been the past two weeks...pretty boring stuff to most people.  I told her I was afraid my language skills were suffering from lack of human contact and feeling a bit isolated.  I have seperated myself from most of the world lately.  All I want to think about, focus on, are really basic things - gardening, my animals, basic housekeeping stuff and meals for the two of us. 

I enjoyed cleaning out my rock garden.  Pulling the rocks up, clearing the weeds and leaves, washing the rocks and replacing them in a different pattern.  Examining and considering each rock.  Many of the rocks were gifts.  They come from various places...some are from Big Creek, Shaver, Huntington Lake and the back country, various camping and backpacking trips.  The little girl who lived next door to us in Big Creek used to put pebbles and gravel in our mail box.  It was a gift game we played.  Some have ancient fish, shells, plants engrained in them.

Anyway - Patti thinks I am healing.  She is not worried about me - and thinks I am doing well at just BEING.  Which is something everyone needs to experience.  I am slowly changing and the many fears that I have - (that have created the false reality I have lived in for 53 years) -   are subsiding and eventually they will disappear.  I am becoming more aware of things, learning to NOT try to second guess things.  I don't have to have the answers or be the quickest and it is okay if I cannot accomodate everyone's whims.  It is okay if I cannot please everyone.  Hopefully when I free myself from that tangled web of that false reality I will be able to see what is truly happening right in front of my eyes at the time it is happening.