Doctor Who and Netflix

Boyd and I have been watching Doctor Who via Netflix for quite awhile.  I love that show!  Boyd has gotten hooked too.  

We've watched since the Doctor before David Tennant ... Christopher Eccleston was his name I think.  He was the 9th Doctor and his traveling companion was Rose.  My favorite Doctor is Matt Smith.  His acting is superb.  He can look 12 and he can look 112. He uses his face and body with such perfection - I can tell so much even with the volume off.  Wonderful.  As for the travelling companions I like the Ponds the best.  Amelia (Amy) Pond and her husband Rory.

Boyd and I had gotten almost to the end of Matt's time as the Doctor when Netflix decided to remove the show from its streaming queue.  We tried to watch as much as we could to get it all in...but we failed.  Fortunately Netflix did let us finish the episode we were watching and not go off air at midnight exactly.  The show finished at 12:14am and then there were no more.  So, we met this current Doctor, an older gray haired arrogant person, whom I don't think I like.  If the writers are smart - I will like him again soon.  But, not on Netflix.  I have to find another way to watch.  Perhaps on BBC itself?  I don't know.  I do like The Impossible Girl, Clara, and the Doctor's wife (the Pond's daughter) River Song.  Yeah, I know - weird.  But, it's a time machine!

You have to watch this show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adbE-c0niiQ

Wind & Waves Part 2. The Aftermath

Wow.  That wind was scary!  The fury of the shivering air was....  just, Wow.  I have never been in a gale force wind before.  It felt both amazingly wonderful and terrifyingly evil. An angry wind, a fierce blow with an agenda.  Destroy anything that is not nailed down. I was deafened by the screaming banshees flying and the eventual thunder and lightning which presented the epitome of a true storm.   This is San Diego County folks, we don't usually get real seasonal weather.  A typical storm here is a wispy spitting of light rain and enough wind to fly a kite or cruise comfortably in your sailboat. 

Speaking of sailboats, Boyd went to the harbor this morning to re-check our boat.  He had made some adjustments yesterday - and good thing he did!  The boats in the harbor got hit hard.  He and a few others went around trying to help out many boat owners who were damaged.  Shredded sails and biminis, missing parts and pieces ... found floating far away from their boats.  San Diego boat owners don't think about the things a Maine sailor would.

Here at home many of the outbuildings were damaged and the horses were totally freaked out!  It looks like the old man - Lil Fella might be sick.  He is upset, and has foundered many times already in his 29 years.  Chapo got hit on the head by a flying roof of the hay barn. Just a small wound on this tough stallion. Broken branches from the towering eucalyptus trees crossed the trail on the perimeter of the property;  fortunately missing buildings and fences, humans and animals.  

The air today was beautiful.  Clean and crisp with white puffy clouds.

Wind and Waves Today

Boyd and I drove to the harbor this afternoon.  The wind was exciting and cold!  Well, cold for San Diego County anyway.  It was below 50 degrees.  We checked on the boat...and good thing.  The sail had begun to unfurl.  Boyd got everything tied down and buttoned up.  We checked on a friends boat and it was a  mess!  The bimini was shredded and their sail cover was blown away.  We saw many boats with shredded sails.  That is a very costly lesson in sailboat care.  We were warned of Gale- Force winds today.  Some boats in the harbor were jumping up and down and side to side, bumping and grinding on the docks.  An unfortunate location right in front of the first waters into the harbor from the ocean- and a straight shot of wind at them.

We drove out along the beach to see the waves. Wind and sand pounded the car.  The waves broke over the tops of the jetties; fast and furious.  It was exciting to watch.  However, we hastened our retreat taking care to not hurt the car with the coarse sand on the paint and in the motorworks.

When we returned home we saw several out buildings had lost part or all of their roofing.  They were all along the horse pens.  No horses were hurt.  They are very excited though.  They have on their coats for the night.

Realizing ignorance

The longer that I live, the more I am assured of my stupidity.  Pardon me, not stupidity, more like being ignorant or misinformed.  Little and small thoughts I thought to be my beliefs are wrong.  And - I thought I was done with that realizing.  I thought I was down to the basics in my psyche type discoveries.  But, even the small things are becoming my undoing.  Other people are remembering things differently than I remember them.  My feelings and/or beliefs on many subjects are proving to be wrong...and they are being proven to me by people I considered not as intelligent as me.  It is very humbling.  My ego cried for a while today - and then just fell down in a slump and gave in.  I know nothing really.  I thought I could at least claim a little glimmer of info/intelligence for myself.  But I was wrong.

I've lived most of my life with an escape from of any piece of any statement I made.  There are no certainties...there must always be a way to back out gracefully when I find myself in a pickle.  Or simply to make statements such that no escape is necessary because the statement is not made in an absolute manner.  But recently I feel no grace, I feel no need for that grace.  I am simply dumbfounded when I am proven wrong on subjects that I long believed I knew about.  It is not a negative feeling really - more like a sad acceptance of another new fact.  Sometimes I care about it, sometimes not so much.  But, I guess it is enough to write a little about.

I often wonder how so many people can make statements and stand by them.  A particular person believes a certain statement to be true, They will prove it and often have people agree with them. Then when there are other people who can discount the theories and prove the first person wrong - he will still believe he is right.  Yikes!  I just don't get it!  Egomaniacs?  Lack of communication?  Language problems?

Anyway. today I had several such encounters with my husband and my sister in law.  They were simple things - unimportant things - but I was proven wrong.  Again.  And when it happened I fell silent for about an hour.  I don't think either of them noticed my sadness or my non involvement in our sailing adventure this afternoon, as I often have my quiet times.  I was sad, and still am, that I am finding out that I am not a smart person.  It has been years since I've worked. Sometimes I loved my job.  I loved going to school, I loved getting good grades.  I loved applause.  And I have not received any applause in a long while.  It is a sort of lonely feeling.  I was a Hermione (from Harry Potter novels) in my younger days - a know it all.  It got me into trouble quite often and I tried (and succeeded) in mending my ways.  

Already my mind is ticking off items of interest on this subject.  First is - I have not been trying for applause.  I have not been trying...anything really.  I have been sitting with either a book to read or a movie to watch.  My home is messy, but not filthy.  My husband and I share laundry duties.  Sometimes I cook, sometimes we order out.  It is as though I am disappearing.  

We live in a world that is so large, that the earth is an invisible speck on a chart.  And on that speck live 7 billion people, all with different personalities, spiritual beliefs and shapes and colors,etc.  Is the individual earthling, born in the state of California of the United States of America in the Northern Hemisphere - really important enough to have important statements to make?

I suppose if I lived in a place where I had to work for a living I would feel differently.  I have an easy life.  We are not wealthy for Californians, but overall the earth - I think we are rich.  What if I were a middle eastern woman who had to wear that black dress, covering everything and had none of my personality valued,  What if my life was inhumane...  with too many children and a husband who beats us.  If that fear and torture were involved, would I be more awake?  Or would I just lay down and die?  I couldn't die because I have children to feed.  I would probably be busy trying to out fox the husband to get what i want and what I need.,,without getting stoned to death in the process.  Of course my feelings of entitlement would probably not be there - as they stem from attitudes in the United States.  It is difficult to imagine life in another's shoes.

Focus Jenn!  Tomorrow - plan your day and be productive.  Don't waste this precious gift of life.  Not very much left of it.  Do things.  Be Happy!

And the beat goes on....and the beat goes on.....drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain....

So - dear ones - my diet is in place and doing great so far.  I went out to lunch with Cindy yesterday and had 3 tacos, 1 skinny margarita and beans and cabbage salad and chips and salsa.  No dinner.  My weight stayed the same.  Yay!!!  I do love going out to eat and play!  Today I am concentrating on cleaning the house and beginning prep for my vegetable garden.  I found another stevia plant today at Lowes.  Stevia is the Best sweetener!  Going to wash the dogs also.  They have had 2 servings of their worm medicine, with a third one tomorrow.  They don't like it much.  Tomorrow I will disguise it with yogurt or ???  Something better than peanut butter, which they love, but they know I've hidden something in it.  Clever girls.  

Such a beautiful day today!  Sunny and 70 degrees.  The birds are singing and the air is fresh. Thanks for all the wonder in my life.  Thanks for a wonderful husband and children.  Thanks for the love.

Statistics Show...

I was looking at the statistics for this blog of mine.  It tells me how many views there have been and what country they are from.  I have some from China, United States of America, Poland, Germany and Mexico.  Wow!  There are not many of you - but to think that someone so far away from California would read my essays - just, Wow!

I then I began to consider how whiny I can be.  Yikes!  I have a good life here in San Diego County.  Compared to many people, I have a home, food to eat, shelter, a husband who loves me and 2 fun dogs.  My son lives next door and is progressing well in all aspects of his life.  My daughter is miles away, but we talk and visit all the time.  She is married to a good man and they have a home, two children, a dog and a cat.  Basically, everyone is doing well.  I am grateful for what I have.  I did nothing to deserve it.  I am only an average person - at least I think so.  

But, when I read the news, creep out of my comfy hole and look at other people and their troubles - Wow!  While in my comfort zone I forget there are other people with other lives.  I read on Facebook this morning about a man who had a mini house built for him and he was happily living in it.  It looked about 8 x 10 feet maybe, and it was taking up a parking place on the street...the same area a can would take.  The police kicked him out and put him in jail!  I see so many people living in tent cities and plastic make shift shacks under freeways, or in semi secluded areas.  People just trying to live.  The basics - Shelter, Food, Warmth.  And this is San Diego!!  Imagine the winter blizzards!
Even the rain, the mud of our rain storms...the cold air from the ocean, can cause illness.  This season's flu virus is horrible.  Imagine if you could not stay warm enough!  Or dry enough.  Or have enough clean water to drink or food to eat.

As I consider all this, I begin to feel like I want to help something, someone, somewhere.  And I imagine trying to give out blankets, socks, hat...and being either mugged or ridiculed.  I don't know.  Perhaps that is me trying to get out of it.  I wonder if the charity groups reach the neediest of people.  Who are the neediest of people?  Are we aware of them?  Or are they silent and hidden away?  

I think I will check out the different charities and decide where to begin helping.  I don't want to sit around consuming...just another fat American.  I want to share. Of course, my husband might have something to say about it.  I run on emotion and he runs on logic and rationality.  But, he is a kind man and will work with me on this I think.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I'd love to know who reads this...why do you read it?  do you like it?  or am i part of a statistical percentage of certain types?  or something like that.

i hope good things for you.

Auras, Spirit Animals, Psychic Ability

I want to believe in a power greater than me.  I want a creator who is all powerful and loving.  I am a Christian sort of...I don't know what the different denominations would say about me now.  I believe in the majority of things in the Holy Bible, however, which version?  And, why are so many documents left out?  And how do you know that the scholars who put it together were working through the Spirit of God?  I've known many people who claim to have the word of God - and they are liars.  We are human beings.  We make mistakes.  So, what to believe, and why?  

My friends tell me I over think things.  I do.  I want to understand.  I want to know if what some people call phony - is it phony?  or is it true?  or sorta true?

I've been playing with the idea of visiting a Meet-Up with a Psychic Development Group.  It is $25 for 2 hours in Oceanside.  Why do they charge money?  Is it a way to make money?  Is all of religion and / or spiritual need just a money making opportunity?  

Perhaps rather than meeting with people I should read books.  I've noticed that many people on Facebook groups do not seem very intellectual.  Emotional people can believe lots of things to make them feel better.  I am an emotional person.  Is that what I want?  

I've had people tell me that my Aura is a blueish crystal color.  My spirit animal is the Owl with the Bear a close second.  I've loved and felt bear-like forever.  Especially with people I love.  I am a Momma-Bear, for sure.  Sometimes I just "Know" things about people.  It is a calm knowing, but the fact that I feel it surprises me.  

I believe that God is bigger than I was taught he was.  I think the Bible puts Him in a box.  Not everything is addressed in the Bible...or, if it is, it is not clear to the average 2016 person.  Language changes all the time.  Cultural slang becomes proper speech over a period of several years.  It is one of my pet peeves, but I lose my language because people can't spell, slang changes because of media, the arts, music, etc.  

Why would God want to encourage killing?  Hate?  So many people have died in the name of God. 

Of course there is hypocrisy in churches.  I'm not talking about that. That is not the reason I have not been to church in a few years.  I realize humans are broken and that is why they search for God.   

I just want to know if God will hate me if I research other types of spirituality.  The Bible tells me it is an abomination.  But, why?  Isn't God big enough to watch as we live and learn from other things in His world?  If we bump into things and fail...so be it.  If we learn more - and discover a bigger world, a bigger love...is that wrong?

I think that if I'm wrong and I bump into monsters in the darkness, God will forgive me and welcome me back...in fact, he will save me.  I know he loves me.  He made me and he knows about my curiosity.  When my children are curious, I want them to discover things for them selves, but I want to protect them from harm too.  When they discover for themselves, they are more likely to return to me permanently.  If I tell them, if I command them - they may revolt, turn away and never return.  I think God knows that too.

Friends, Margaritas and Vegetarian Food

What a lovely day it has been.  My sister in law/friend turned 54 today and we spent the day together.  We haven't done that in awhile.  We went to a Chinese place in Bonsall where we enjoyed Chow mein, fried rice and shrimp prepared an a special green sauce that was like hot spicy frosting.  Sweet and hot - very good!  The drinks we had are special.  Cindy had a Mandartini (mandarin orange flavored martini) and I had a Fortune Cookie (Bailey's Irish Cream with milk and a blended fortune cookie).  Cindy had her usual double shots and I had iced tea after one drink.  The drinks were so tasty.  The food was yummy as well.

Afterwards we drove to Sundance Equestrian Center to see our old babysitter horses and our ex-trainer , Sara Whyte.  Sara was not there, so we visited with all the horses.  Most of the horses are different now.  Cash, Dean and Riata were not to be found.  That was kinda sad.  But there were new loves to scratch and pat.

We decided to roam the countryside for awhile and headed to Valley Center.  We passed The Yellow Deli and headed to Morningstar Ranch.  Black Angus and Hereford cattle were grazing in a field on our route, so we stopped and took pictures and came to the conclusion that cows are not as friendly as horses.

Our next stop was a little Mexican restaurant in Valley Center for margaritas.  We took a lot of photos and uploaded them to Facebook as we got light headed and happy on the tequila.  Kill Bill was on the bar television.  Chatting and drinking.  It was nice.

When we realized the time (4pm) we headed down the hill towards home, stopped at BevMo for another bottle of Cazadores and then went home.  Cindy to hers and me to mine.  Boyd and I will be on our way to Richard and Cindy's soon - for pizza and cake.  A very merry birthday.

Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was conscripted into the military.  I was dressed in green fatigues and was standing near my son and my husband, who were dressed like me.  Andrew was encouraging and congratulating me on "Stepping Up" and "Taking Possession of my Life" and "Doing good for Others"... that sort of thing.  We were standing in a white hallway with others who looked new to their position - same as us.  Then the people in charge started handing out guns.  Boyd and  Andrew and most of the others received rather ordinary looking automatic weapons.  I received a gun that was as big as me!  I was to carry it horizontally; holding it at a smaller place in the center.  It looked like a canon of sorts.  I asked - :Is it a canon?"  The reply was "No".  My family encouraged me and tried to calm me down.  Then the people in charge began talking about landing on the ground...in our designated areas.  Landing on the ground?  I asked if we jumping from an airplane or helicopter.  The answer was "No.", but I noticed that we were all hooked on a line together, and indeed, we were going to exit an airplane.  Then I had to go to the bathroom - both pee and poop.  And urgently.  I was loosed and I looked and looked for female bathroom and found none.  Then I woke up.


Neko Gun Girl Photo by liertosasuke | Photobucket

This Season's Flu...and then there are the cold virus's too.

I had a flu shot in October.  Both Boyd and I did.  I have asthma so I usually get one.  This season they made a mistake and used the wrong virus.  I imagine it is pretty difficult to guess which bug will rear it's head when.  Boyd and I both got the flu.

Boyd is on his third week.  I had mine back in November.  It seems to last three weeks and starts out as a migraine headache that soon focus's on the sinus.  Exhaustion and achy muscles, fever and sore throat, stuffy head and finally the congested bronchi.  Some lungs might have a wrestle with it too.

I have some bad habits that include my hands touching my face (Ack!!)  I try to keep them washed, (my hands), but I often fail at being sterile.  I am a dirty human.  And I touch things like stair rails and grocery carts, and I like to hang out with the under belly of the infectious society - toddlers.  A toddler's toy contains trillions of angry little monsters waiting for just the right Granny or Gramps to play with.  And then of course, the slime of society - the uninvited sick guest who coughs in your face, touches your doorknob and bathroom sink and gives you a lovely hug or shakes your hand, planting a marching horde in your home and on your skin.

I am a flu Nazi.  I hate it when sick people expose others  And I go out of my way to not share my bugs with others.  Unless it is something that we need to get over and done with (like chicken pox).  Oops...I guess there is a vaccination for that nowadays.  Back in my day, if a kid got the pox, we called the other Moms and invited them over - so we could all get it over with together.  Maybe we should do that with the flu, except that the flu bugs mutate and you can catch another flu...similar, but different enough to make you ill.  And, the grocery and drugstores would run out of Nyquil.

Along with the flu, several types of colds have been making the rounds too.  They do not last as long and are not as mean.  Still uncomfortable, still contagious, but not nearly as painful.  Since the end of my flu I have had three colds.  I guess since I am older now I need to take more vitamins and beef up my immune system.  Boyd has also had a cold.  I don't remember old people getting colds.  Did I just not pay attention to them, or were they immune back then.  I know my parents get sick, but I don't remember my grandparents getting sick...from the 60's to 90's.

Ah well... my hubby is up out of bed again.  I will try to get him to eat, but he has no appetite.  Why did I not get that symptom?  Dang.

New Day, New Chapter of Life...

To Do List For New Chapter of this Life of Mine

Get Time Management Down for the following:

Till Garden
Join Writer's Workshop in San Diego
Diet Regime
Exercise Regime
Purge House and Shed
Walk Dogs Daily
Finish cupboard
Finish sewing Projects
Visit Dad once a month
Call Sisters 
Continue relationships with children and grandchildren
Do something fun with Boyd at least once a week.

My Love Hate Relationship with Food

When I was young I loved to eat.  Cookies, cakes, ice cream, anything sweet was best.  I don't think there were many foods I would not eat.  My Mom cooked beef tongue once, and venison liver once...I would not eat those.  But, to be fair, I tasted them.  My Mom was not a good cook, so it might have been her.  I don't know which was the problem.  My grandmothers were excellent cooks; both creating tasty treats and meals extraordinaire!  Gravies and sauces thick with cream and butter were the name of the game.    When we stayed with my mother's mother - my Grandmother, we often went to potlucks with her groups - the VFW ladies and her church ladies. Such a variety of delectable goodies.  I was a happy girl.  Almost every photograph of me as a child shows me holding a cookie or some other piece of food.  My father's mother - my Grandma, had plans of opening a restaurant one day with her friend Ina.  It never happened, but she was always prepared to do so.  Sunday dinners at Grandma and Grandpa's house were many courses of well prepared European delights.  Grandpa was a butcher and they both had some German heritage, and many of the cold cuts (charcuterie) were the best in the state.  We always had the best cuts of meat.

That all sounds pretty good, eh?  For the best part it was, however, I was born a large person.  9 and a half pounds and about 18 inches long, I was a chubby baby.  My mother was able to leave the hospital three days after my birth, wearing the travelling suit she wore on her honeymoon about a year before.  My Dad was so proud of her.  She was a beauty and her body and health were very important to her.  When she was pregnant she was diagnosed as pre eclamptic and she was admitted to the hospital early so that she could lose weight and they could be careful of her blood pressure.  She was in a ward with women who were much heavier than she.  She told me they were fed extremely little and very bare foods with no sauce or flavoring.  She craved donuts while she was there and was so happy when I was born and she could eat again.  It looked as though her baby had taken all her calories and stored them as fat, because my mom was quite small after my birth.  I was not a breast fed baby.  In the 1950's hospitals were afraid of staph infections and discouraged breast feeding.  And, honestly, it would seem like I (fat baby) was eating her (thin mommy) alive.

That said, I was fed nonfat milk and healthy balanced meals, with attention given to not over eating.  I was healthy chubby and very strong.  I was a happy little person who was loved and felt properly accepted in her family.  When my sister Gigi was born I was two years old.  When Sigrid was born I was four and when Jill was born I was seven.  None of my sisters were chubby, nor did they have a passion for eating as I had.  As I grew it seemed I was always hungry.  

I do not know when it started - the people telling me - "you'd be so pretty if only you were not so fat", and the "such a pretty face if only...".   I heard those so many times in my life, I could probably travel to the moon on that many feet.  And, eventually, I was "fatty, fats, chubby, husky, cow, elephant", etc.  None of it stopped me from eating.  In fact, I began sneaking food, stealing food, and eating it in some hidden place.  

Some people nowadays think that fat people have been raised on fast food and that is the main problem; that people are not knowledgeable of nutrition and health.  Perhaps it is true of some, however - it was not so in my case.  We didn't go to fast food restaurants until I was in middle school, the late 60's/early 70's.  I was about 12 years old...just in time for puberty.  When that delicious form of food was introduced I was hooked.  I loved Burger King, McDonald's and Taco Bell.  I did not know that the reason for its tastiness was extra fat, sugar and salt; and I don't know if I would have cared at that age. It was consumed so rarely that the unhealthiness was ignored, When Mom decided to try drinking soda pop at home, it was Diet Tab and then Diet Fresca.  Always "Diet", never "regular' soda pop in our home.  Consumption was strictly monitored.  And, if I remember correctly, we didn't have it around until I was in high school, sometime in the early 1970's.

Many changes occurred 1968 to 1972.  Puberty, Grandmother's death,  a major emotional devolvement with my parents and my place in the family.  Apparently I was not helping the family by trying to take care of things for mom and dad.  It disrupt everyone and made trouble for all.  My sisters hated me and my folks told me to stop 'loving' them, my Grandmother (my confidante) had died and I had no best friend because of the politic of girls on the block.  I wasn't good enough, I didn't know why really.  Perhaps it was the saddle shoes I had to wear when everyone else had gone to other styles.  Perhaps it was my chubbiness, or my homemade clothes. I was alone.  Alone with the feelings of a person growing up, discovering so many different feelings in herself that were not explained, not supported.  Happy little girl quickly turned into depressed little girl.  Social anxiety and depression were my constant companions.  I did not know it at the time, but I also had obsessive compulsive disorder.  (Learning that recently helps explain many feelings).  I had many bad thoughts because of OCD.  I thought I was an evil person, a bad person.  My family told me so.  I could not make friends well.  That told me so.  I was just a B student, nothing special.  

What made me feel good in junior high school were the giant sticky buns that the cafeteria ladies made - hot, sweet and gooey, along with a steamy styrofoam cup of hot chocolate on a cold L.A. morning before classes.  And then, at nutrition - Nacho Doritos and Dr. Pepper.  An allowance well spent.  I don't remember what was for lunch, probably a sandwich of some sort.    I can still remember the smile that food gave me.  The happiness was not long lasting, but it was intense.  I think this was the first time food was my ally.

During high school and young womanhood I was always dieting.  The grapefruit and hamburger patty diet, the all vegetable and grain diet, the mostly meat diet, the Snickers diet, weight watchers diet, diet pills, Jack la Lane, Gloria Marshall, dance classes...there are more, but you get the picture.  

They all work - for awhile.  I was never more than 20 pounds over weight until I was pregnant in my mid twenties.  Then I blossomed.  I gained 80 pounds in my first pregnancy.  I was pre eclamptic and admitted to the hospital early for observation.  I was put on bed rest, where my mother in law (another wonderful cook) fed me.  Midwestern comfort food is so tasty.  And so fattening.  After the baby, I was able to lose all the weight I gained with exercise and diet.  Richard Simmons tapes helped me alot.  I love Richard Simmons.  His kindness always inspired me.  

I got down to a healthy weight and got pregnant again and gained about 70 pounds.  The weight loss happened the same as before...but I did not get quite as low.  I walked and walked with my children and I was strong, but still heavy.  I took classes at the junior college - dance classes, weight lifting classes...and I was strong - but still 'husky'.I got pregnant again and gained 80 pounds - to the heaviest I have ever been - 250 pounds.  The child was born with anomalies and died at 4 months old.  There was no diet for awhile.  

And then my husband was injured.  I realized I would have to go to work and perhaps be the strong one for awhile.  So I dieted.  (Because I knew that people like to hire pretty people, healthy people, and strong people) "The Diet Center Diet" was the best diet I've ever used.  It was healthy, balanced and the counselors helped me to stay motivated.  Eventually I came to work for the company, selling weight loss.  I got down to my smallest adult size then.  Size 6.  I was about 35 years old I think.  

When I was small I received so many compliments, stares, congratulations ... and it made me happy and then it made me mad.  Suddenly I was wonderful because I was pretty in people's eyes. That made me so angry.  It still does.  My "beauty" was dependant upon my size.  Again. 

I feel as though I am not a whole person because I am not pretty at my current 225 pounds.  Hardly anyone bothers to look at me.  When I go shopping with my sister in law (5 years younger than me) I am referred to as her mother.  I do not feel happy with myself and therefore I can make others feel bad too.  The thought of going on another diet is boring and hateful.  In the evenings, when my idea machine is working its best, I think of all sorts of things I can do...and then morning comes and the same old life, same old feelings of inadequacy loom before me.

There are many many stories left out of this post.  Basically I love to eat good food with other people who like to eat good food.  I hate eating with people who judge every bite I take, or the content of my plate.  During those times, I'd rather not eat.  I am a horrid cook, and getting worse.  One time a man looked me up and down and said that I must be a good cooker.  I was confused for a tiny moment and then I laughed and told him that I was not.  Then he was confused.  Really?  If you are fat it is because you are a good cook?  I'd never considered that before.

Many of the foods that I eat that keep me overweight are not foods that I like.  The calories I consume at lunches out with my friends are not enough to keep me here in the 200 pound zone. Part of the problem is depression, the unwillingness to take possession of my life and get up off the couch.  Go for a walk...just for fun.  Maybe take the dogs on an outing.  Instead I go wrestle a few pieces of bread out of their wrapper, smear them with butter, peanut butter, honey or jam (or maybe all together) and devour them in two or three bites; giving my esophagus something to choke on while I mentally cry as I stare out the window.  (or the closet wall...wherever...)  I go to the market and purchase what I think we need for dinner and buy 2? fresh donuts (or cookies, or...?) and eat them before I get home.  I store stashes of sweets around the house.  Sometimes I forget and find them later.  It's like Christmas!  

I try to not have my husband see me eat.  Especially the treats.  I know it upsets him. My son gives me stern talking to's about taking care of myself.  My daughter commiserates with me about food cravings and related fattie ideas and the psychology of it all.  I've been to a counselor/therapist and a psychiatrist for many years. Not always about food, but food is always related to whatever the thing I am talking about is. I've tried to lose weight biblically....worst thing ever!  Well, once it was the worst.  Once it worked okay.  Christianity and guilt go together in my mind... a whole spider web of disease there. 

Now, at 59 years old and 225 pounds at 5'7" tall, I need to lose weight to live.  Pretty is gone.  If I want to live, I need to lose the fat that surrounds and encompasses my internal organs, my heart feels a constant squeeze, especially if my asthmatic lungs are shortened and swollen, the fat that droops off of my weak muscles and piles on my belly is another hurdle, another obstacle that makes life difficult.  Merely moving is effort.  Breathing is effort.  I know what needs to be done.  I know how to do it.  I have known most of my life.  Can you imagine waking up every morning of your life and thinking - "God, I am so ugly...I am so fat"?  I wait...and I wait...for what?  Death? I've gambled with my health and the timing of the ultimate diseases...and I think, no I BELIEVE I've met the line.  If I go beyond this line I will lose the bet. 

 If I give up on this - weight loss- it is the same as giving up on life.  I take pills for high blood pressure, thyroid and depression/OCD.  These things are managed with the medicines but I am not a healthy person. Why is there no magic pill for weight loss?  Well, there sorta is, but it hurts my heart.  Ack!  I hate writing this!

Horse Expo 2015

Friday, Saturday and Sunday.   We (Cindy and I) rented a room near the Los Angeles Fairplex at a very low rate (thank you sister Lula, who is a reservations agent with Marriott!)  Not having to deal with going home to San Diego is what made this trip possible.  It is about one hundred miles from our home to the fairplex...which is actually in Pomona, but is called the L.A. County Fair.

The Horse Expo is a coming together of vendors who sell horsie product, farm stuff, cowgirl and cowboy things.  A very nice selection - at mostly lower prices than in the store.  We saw tractors, horse trailers, clothing, hats, horse and dog health items, feeds, All in all - a great selection of things to buy.  I bought a new hat - with a 4 inch brim!, and Cindy bought a pretty red dress and a small purse - which really isn't a purse - it is leather and it clips to the belt and it is about five inches square.  Very cute stuff.  Oh!  And we got lots of samples.  Shampoo, fly wipe,   I also bought a product to make my dog stop scratching herself.  It seems to have worked!

There is food and drink available inside the park - or you can leave the event and dine elsewhere.  We did both.  Inside the expo we ate fish tacos and drank lemonade...and Cindy tried some shots of an apple liqueur.

Many exhibitors were there, clinicians too.  I chose to watch the cowboys Chris Cox and Craig Cameron as they taught us about the importance of the outside rein, some of the details of advanced riders.  We enjoyed a cutting demonstration.  It looks like fun to single out one cow from a herd and keep him away from the herd for 45 seconds.  The horses were eye to  eye with the cows.  Wonderfully trained animals.  There was also the Super Horse Challenge - 10 cowboys/girls and their horses competed in an obstacle course challenge.  Three different times  - with one  being the last one where the winner is announced.  Our favorite was Peter, but Don won.  I have to say that I've never seen a person sit in a saddle as good as Don does.  No air ever.  No bouncing - he was perfect. Some of the obstacles were jumps, walk through water, put horses feet on a barrel and turn, walk backwards, walk backwards and push a big ball into the goal, walk through a bunch of "trash", walk through a "carwash" and shoot a gun.

Another event I enjoyed was done by The Wild Horse and Donkey Federation.  America has many many wild horses and donkeys.  They have no predator and the population is out of balance.  So - each year many of these wild mustangs and donkeys are rounded up and placed in different institutions to be gentled and trained.  It is one of the wonderful prison programs available.  At one year old the animals are put up for adoption.  There were two yearlings that were very precious looking - they had curly hair!  And, apparently they are hypoallergenic!  I did not bring one home.  But we wished we could have.  What fun to play with a baby horse - to train him and her to be grown ups.  Mustangs seem to have builds that I like.  They are sturdy looking horses.  Compact and strong and hardy.  Strong and fast and they have endurance.  The mustang is the American horse.

Saturday evening we ate dinner at a betting facility.  It was very big and very noisy.  We did not realize there was a pay per view fight that night - so we had to hurry and skedaddle or be charged $10 extra for taking up space there.  Interesting group of drunk people there.

Saturday was a lovely time to share with our friend Julie.  She met many people there that she knew...so I think she had a good time too.  Julie has two horses.  One is named Ronan and he is a Gypsy Vanner - a beautiful boy.  The other is a very tall horse - Hudson is 18 hands!

On the drive home on Sunday we stopped at a bar in San Juan Capistrano, where the Super Bowl was on.  It was the 4th quarter and the score was Patriots - 14 and Seahawks - 24.  By the time we'd eaten - I thought that the Seahawks would win.  I was surprised this morning.  Must have been an exciting last quarter.

I learned a  lot at the horse expo.  It keeps getting smaller.  That is sad - because it means the economy is worse and people can't afford horses anymore.

rainy day

Water from the sky
bouncing on the ground
Drips echo and
form puddles
many different paths
through the clay it delves
changing landscape
changing footing
horses wak and sink
creating little lakes
pee and poop is swimming
pools of horse apples spiced with urine
yellow puppy racing
through the muddy depths
brown puppy wants inside
wait till your dad can clean you
you dirty little mess
so happy and so wet
a chocolate lab at last
i hear her splash and run
and jump and slip and slide and roll
my husband soaked with water
mud and slime and grass
what has he been doing
in the yard this long
in the rain
in the mud
in the wonder of the weather
smiling
till they get inside
brown puppy shakes
yellow puppy emerges
from the once clean towel
like mama's tongue clean
little puppy smiles
water from the sky
still bounces on the ground

Mojitos from my Friend

I am enjoying my first mojito.  It is blueberry flavored and kick ass strong.  The mint is from our yard.  The sugar rimmed glass is yummy.  The blueberry plus vodka (?) is very yummy 80 proof.  I feel myself relaxing.  

First my shoulders feel tense and then they slowly give way to a lower silhouette...and the rest of the body follows suit.  Wow.  This is lovely.

I had a wonderful conversation with my daughter today - via e-mail - and I made plane reservations to visit her in Seattle over Valentine Weekend.  I am happy.  Boyd and I will babysit while Laura and Ian enjoy a Valentine date night.  I hope they make reservations for something fun and wonderful.

I am losing my language skills as I hit the halfway mark on the glass.  Lisa said to bang on the ceiling when I want another drink.  I think the broom is next to the washing machine.  It will make a good banger.

Boyd and Andrew bought the parts to complete the automatic gate today.  It was a very reasonable Craig's List find.  Having an automatic gate will be great!  Everyone will appreciate it - rather than having to get in and out of the car to open and close the large gate.

When I return from Seattle I will get in contact with the Carlsbad Antique Mall and see if I can rent a booth.  I want to sell all my old "stuff".  The stuff that I have accumulated over 35 or more years.  I've enjoyed some of it - and some of it has always been in the garage or shed.  I'd like to get down to basics soon.  Minimal stuff.  I can make some money and enjoy the atmosphere of antiques - and if I want to, I can peruse estate sales and keep the booth going for a while.  I think my step mother and father have things they want to be rid of also.  And I bet their stuff is older than mine!  

We will go whale hunting and chasing tomorrow.  Perhaps I will have good photos to post.  It is fun to chase them.  We cannot keep up with the extremely fast critters - but it seems they have a feeding routine that we can anticipate.  They are so beautiful and it is much fun.  Memo to self - wear sunscreen!

Lucy is getting better at minding.  I played with her today and she came every time I called...even though it took some time - she Did come.  Good girl Lucy.

Okay, time to bang on the ceiling.  Have a lovely evening.  

Poop Makes the World Go Round

We have quite a bit of poop in our yard.  And most of it is re-usable.  Yay!

Later I will be collecting different varieties and re-homing it in the various sections of my garden, where it will cook in bacteria until it is planting time.  Then the nutrients from the poop will help all the veggies grow and produce wonderful foods.



Is everyone fascinated by feces?  After we use the toilet, do we look at the little logs swirl down the waterways; evaluating our health based on its color and texture and aroma?  Well, color me weird, but I do.  I think I always have.

 Animals examine their own poo.  I've watched the horses, llama, dogs and cats do it.  It is a sort of communication sometimes.  I've seen them eat it too.  The dogs and coyotes and chickens love to eat the horse poop.  Actually, I think the chickens are eating the bugs in and around it.  Dogs used to get more greens in their diets, but with commercial dog foods, they sometimes feel they need more, so they chow down on it.  I've seen the llama eat his own stuff.  Yeah.  

chicken poo

horse poo aka "road apples"

ooh...gross!!

Birds use their poop to help build their nests...and we can use horse poop, clay and straw...shape it into a brick and build our own human nests.




There are many very well built building made with this adobe.

You can use cow poop to help start a fire.

break it into smaller pieces and light your kindling

are you serious?

i will eat your wooden house, furniture, boat...

termite poop

You can tell if your house has termites if you see their poop under your window sills.  It is so tiny that it looks like dust.

Worms leave poop that we call "castings".  People grow worms just to get the castings and sell it as fertilizer.  Great stuff!  And, of course, we've all heard about bat guano - and its wondrous properties via Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura.

We recycle a lot here at the ranch.  I feed my food scraps to chickens. They eat them and it turns into chicken poop.  I pick it up and put in the garden area where I let it "cook" until it doesn't look like poop anymore.  It looks like dirt.  I use the horse and llama poop in the garden also.  I plant tomatoes and bell peppers and strawberries and other things that we eat...and the animals eat the leftovers - and the whole thing starts over again.  It is a pretty cool deal!

Some people use the gas from cows (and probably other animals as well) to make energy to run motors.  I don't think I'd want my car to smell like cow farts though.

Anyway - poop is a great thing!  It makes the world go round.

Thanks for listening/reading

 

Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.  I thought it was a made up disease - but it is real.  I've had it for the last 2 weeks and it is highly contagious - so I've quarantined myself.  It is a painful child's virus that causes spots and later blisters that itch and burn on your hands, feet and inside your mouth.  Usually you get it if you are under 5 years old.  My father says that this proves that I am young at heart.  When an adult gets it - it is harsher - kinda like chicken pox is.  A child can have it and keep right on playing.

Staying home - on the couch or in bed for a week is monstrous!  The itching!  The burning!  Death by one thousand cuts - and pour vinegar on the cuts! Then another week moving out to the yard for little bits of time..   Can I complain louder?

The thing I am having a problem with now is whether or not I am still contagious.  The different Internet sites say I am contagious until Jan 30th.  My doctor says I am no longer contagious.  Most of the "spots" have callused over and peeled.  There is still some itching, but the fever is and pain is gone.  My husband and son have not gotten it - and they were both exposed when I was.  The virus travels in human fluids - spit, really.  I got it because I shared cereal with my grandson - who showed no signs of the virus, but had been exposed.  He was a carrier.  

I will not share spit with the people at the grocery store.  But, will they handle the shopping cart without cleaning it?  Wipe their eyes or mouth - unsuspecting that a treacherous virus lurk between the plastic and the metal of the handle?  But - then I think - well, everyone who has the flu has a virus - and most of them go out in public and spread it around willy nilly.  They don't care if they spread their disease.  Why should I care?  But, I do.  Care, I mean - I care.

I imagine if people out in public saw me wearing plastic gloves and a face mask - they may become alarmed.  "What does she have"? they will whisper.  "The plague?  Ebola"?  Talk about drawing attention to yourself.  

So, I will stay mostly at home for yet another week.  When the peeling skin becomes less noticeable, and there are no more red spots.  It is lonely staying home.  And the rejection one feels when people know you are ill - and they do not want to catch it, is quite depressing.  It feels like a total lack of love.  Of course it is not.  I do not want them to suffer what I have.  

Of course, if an enemy of mine where to ramble over to my door - I might be tempted to spit.  If I have any enemies, that is.  I don't think I do.  

Animals here

Wow!  What a long time since I've written here.  Life here has changed.  There are now a dozen horses on the property.  All of the llamas passed on - as did both dogs (Emma and Abbey) and my cat Smokey finished her life at 20 years old.  Long loving lives for them all.  And a great hole in my heart for almost a year  

We rented out some of our property to a lady who gives riding lessons.  It is interesting and fun to watch and participate!  But, it is not the same as having your own animal..  We still have 10 chickens, but they are getting old and are laying less and less.  

I've been the one who has chosen all the animals Boyd and I have ever had - and there's been plenty!  This time it was Boyd's turn.  I only had once request - that the animal had to be able to come into the house.  It hurts me to not let the dogs come in the house.  I have always had dogs - and they always came into the house .  They were part of the family.  I married a man whose family considered dogs as outdoor things.  So strange to me.  And, I tried to live with that.  It was almost unbearable.  It was heart breaking.  So.  My only request - requirement really - is that they come in the house.

Boyd announced 2 weeks ago that he was looking for a new dog!  Hooray!!  We looked at a small female Pomeranian crossed with yorkshire terrier and decided against her.  Too many allergens - and she was very dominant.  Then we met Lucy - a 7 month old golden lab crossed with some kind of terrier.  She is 40 pounds and the friendliest little girl.  She loves us.  She loves Boyd.  She is very trainable and quite a lovely dog.  We are very happy with her.

Searching for ... what ,exactly?

I am having an MRI of my pancreas done this morning.  I am nervous.

I went to the Doc a few weeks ago because my poop was white.  It was after I attended a BBQ (most excellent flavors) that included very high fat meats.  I figured (and the Internet confirmed) that I should tell the Doc about it.  White is not a normal color for poop.  Blood tests, urine tests, ultra sound tests - all reveal that there is nothing wrong with me.  No stones, no blockages.  So, today is the MRI.  To look for cancer basically.  I think that this is all that is left to look at.

I do not like the idea of being in a certain position for an hour...and not moving.  I do not like the idea that - if there is any metal in your body, you could get hurt by the magnetic pull of it.  I don't know if I have metal in my body.  Nobody put any there - but, who knows what may have happened?  Something in my eye?  Maybe aliens put something inside me, I am always playing in the dirt and doing dirty things.  My Doc said I should take 2 tranquilizers.  That is good.  I don't want to feel freaked out.  Like I already do - and my anxiety grows as the minutes pass.

Well, I leave in 3 minutes.  Going to take my pills.  Wish me luck.

As much as I do not like the idea of this test - it is an excellent thing, isn't it?  To be able to see the insides so clearly.  Amazing really.

On Communication:

You never know when or if, a person is damaged, and how so, – please keep this in mind:

When you tell someone what you think about them, it is vital (if you love them) to phrase everything positively.  For example - the glass is half full, rather than half empty.  By using the uplifting and hopeful type of sentencing, you are telling the person that you care about their welfare. You are sharing love.  By using the more negative phrasing you are telling them that you are condemning them. 

¹neg·a·tive

 adjective \ˈne-gə-tiv\

: harmful or bad : not wanted

: thinking about the bad qualities of someone or something : thinking that a bad result will happen : not hopeful or optimistic

: expressing dislike or disapproval

The negative connotations, (words, tone of voice and posturing), may lock the person receiving the comments into shackles of self-loathing and negative beliefs about themselves.  If the Receiver has been in those shackles long, then you may be reaffirming and justifying their presence.  The positive style of communication works just the opposite, giving the person hope and increasing their awareness of you and what you want from them.  Once they can become truly aware in their soul, in their spirit  - and if they love you – they will try to give love back to you, by listening and perhaps opening a dialogue about changes and needs.

Often, people think that they need to tell another person about the other’s negative “qualities”, to teach the receiver about what and how they are…and how they should be.  As though, the person does not realize that they have faults.  The Teller might love the Receiver and think he is helping them.  Most people know they have faults.  If they have not changed them after many years, they have either accepted them as normal and okay, or they have a problem with them, and they are having difficulty changing.  It is possible that they do not care, but most people I’ve known have mental and/or emotional blocks to changing their bad habits because of these invisible shackles that have them bound into a loathsome identity created and strengthened by the so called well-meaning people who continue to tell them how bad their problem is.

Remember that everyone looks at life through a different lens.  Like theater lights – they can shine white and bright, or you can put a colored film across the light can and get a different colored light on your life’s stage.  You can put a stencil across the can and get shadows of things that are not really there…they are just suggested images…shadows of things that seem larger than life itself.  We do not know what lens a person sees with.  The person telling the “facts” to the receiving person might see things that the receiving person is not capable of seeing, and visa-versa.  Both of their lens’ present life in totally different colors and/or shapes.  This is not to say that either person is ‘wrong’.  They are different.  And communication is difficult, and sometimes impossible.

If one person has a certain pile of trash that has made their filter green – and they are trying to communicate with a person who has rose colored with flower stenciling on his lens…they can say the same words and feel very different things.  They might never truly see ‘eye to eye’.

Don’t beat each other down in the name of love.  Know that each word that comes out of your mouth will be tested and you will be accountable for them; both the letter of the word and the spirit of the word.  Take into consideration the person you are speaking to.  Try to speak to your audience; Try to know their lens; their filters.  Try to share the half full glass and thereby share love with that person.  Do not hate people in the name of love.