Edited February Posts

I changed my February Posting regarding my time in the theater, admitting a huge character flaw in myself.  Trying to be honest hurts, but I don't want to hurt the people I love.

I really enjoyed this book...

"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle
Awakening to your life's purpose.

It introduced me to a spiritual concept that has been rolling around in me for a long time.  Boyd read it also - and he agrees that we've been thinking in this direction for quite some time.

The Chapter titles help explain the basics of the book:

1. The Flowering of the Human Consciousness
2. The Current State of Humanity
3. The Core of the Ego
4. Role Playing: The Many Faces of Ego
5. The Pain Body
6. Breaking Free
7. Finding Who You Really Are
8. The Discovery of Inner Space
9. Your Inner Purpose
10. A New Earth

I checked this book, along with another book by Tolle called "Stillness Speaks".  I have to return them this week, but I am thinking I may purchase a copy of "A New Earth" as a reference for myself.

The basics of what I got out of this book is that we live in THE NOW.  That is all we ever really have.  The past is gone and the future is unknown.  Pretty simple, eh?  Not really.  I learned about the constant voice in my head.  And that voice is not the real me.  That voice is Ego...and ego is very strong and mostly full of lies about the real me and life in general.  Sounds confusing, but if you think about it - all the bummer thoughts and the grandiose thoughts - tricks to keep you in line with what the ego wants - not what the silent inner Jenn wants.  That silent Jenn - that conscious Jenn - is the one who I attribute so much too - I often refer to as Holy Spirit and my Spirit.  That underneath all the noise - calm knowing. She can be found, felt, enjoyed when the ego is quiet.  Trying to make the ego quiet down is not easy.  I also learned about Pain-Body.  Another entity of emotion residing in me that supplies the ego with ammunition to steer me.  It gets confusing...yet it is clear.

I guess you really have to read the book for yourself.  Tolle admits it is a process of understanding.  Some people will not be able to understand it - ever.  But, a little understanding means that your spirit is on the mend...that you are progressing nicely.

This is probably as clear as mud, and I don't know how to make it any easier to read.

I do not agree with everything in the book.  I have loved Jesus since I was a small child and I know him.  Tolle explains some of scripture in an interesting way and he is never disrespectful or cruel.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer

I was just looking through my Barnes and Noble online coupon and noticed this new release by Seth Graham Greene.  The title was so shocking that, of course, I had to read the synopsis.  Upon first reading I wondered if the author was serious.  I mean, with all the interest in vampires, maybe there is something curiously real about them.  Did he mean real blood sucking gore, or a sort of representation of business and politic?

He means blood sucking gore. 

The description tells me that Seth Graham Greene was privy to a recently discovered diary of President Lincoln - and that HE (who was is he anyway?) was the first and only one to read it.  Okay, upon first read I believed it;  I don't know who he is.  And my gullible gene is easily activated.  Hell, it needs no activation - I'm a sucker for a good story.  Anyway - here it is:

Synopsis

When Abraham Lincoln was nine years old, his mother died from an ailment called the "milk sickness." Only later did he learn that his mother's deadly affliction was actually the work of a local vampire, seeking to collect on Abe's father's unfortunate debts.

When the truth became known to the young Abraham Lincoln, he wrote in his journal: henceforth my life shall be one of rigorous study and devotion. I shall become learned in all things—a master of mind and body. And this mastery shall have but one purpose."


While Abraham Lincoln is widely lauded for reuniting the North with the South and abolishing slavery from our country, no one has ever understood his valiant fight for what it really was. That is, until Seth Grahame-Smith stumbled upon The Journal of Abraham Lincoln, and became the first living person to lay eyes on it in more than 140 years.


Using the journal as his guide and writing in the grand biographical style of Doris Kearns Goodwin and David McCullough, Seth has reconstructed the true life story of our greatest president for the first time—all while revealing the hidden history behind the Civil War, and uncovering the massive role vampires played in the birth, growth, and near-death of our nation.




Okay
So how come he never told anyone about vampires?  How come they never thought him a nut case?  What's up with that.  My belief is wavering here.  And then I read this piece from Publisher's Weekly inserted below the synopsis by Barnes and Noble newsletter.


Publishers Weekly


Following the success of his bestselling Pride and Prejudice and Zombies with another mélange of history and horror, Grahame-Smith inserts a grandiose and gratuitous struggle with vampires into Abraham Lincoln’s life. Lincoln learns at an early age that his mother was killed by a supernatural predator. This provokes his bloody but curiously undocumented lifelong vendetta against vampires and their slave-owning allies. The author’s decision to reduce slavery to a mere contrivance of the vampires is unfortunate bordering on repellent, but at least it does distract the reader from the central question of why the president never saw fit to inform the public of the supernatural menace. Grahame-Smith stitches hand-to-hand vampire combat into Lincoln’s documented life with competent prose that never quite manages to convince. (Mar.)

Ohhhhh....k.  And then I read this:


Biography


Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of The Big Book of Porn (Quirk, 2005) and The Spider-Man Handbook (Quirk, 2006). He lives in Los Angeles, California.


The Big Book of Porn?  Really?  Eww.  The Spider-Man Handbook would just make me think him an acceptable geeky nerd.  The porn thing makes me think he's ...   Ewwwww......... Weirdo.

There is one thing (in my opinion) about this book that is well done.  It got my attention.  I want to read this book.  Just so I can make fun of it.  I hope his story dances around the real history lightly and does not disturb any real facts, or my opinion of them.  That would make me mad.  As it is, this sounds like an escapist dream to me - an easy rainy day read; a guilty pleasure.  I don't want any smart ass kid trying to change my politics or something through any sneaky story.

Oh.  And there is another one for the Jane Austen crowd.  Pride and Predjudice and Zombies.  Yeah.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Pride and Predjudice and Zombies

Are both works of fiction by Seth Grahame-Smith

Garden plans

It is raining again today.  I love it.  I hope we get enough to cancel the drought!  My seedling onions are doing well, as are the transplanted pepper trees.  The daffodil and Iris bulbs are large enough to flower soon.    The rose bushes have new buds and the geraniums I transplanted a few weeks ago are sprouting new growth too.  The weeds, unfortunately, also like the rain.  So, when all dries out a bit I will be outside on the ground pulling weeds again. 

I enjoy working in the yard.  Sitting in the dirt, sharing space with ants, bees, snails and those little bugs that roll into a ball when you touch them.  It is one of the things I find very Zen-like.  I know I sound like an old hippie, but I can feel energy come up from the ground and enter my body.  I can feel my basic essence  without all the programmed stories in my head.  It is lovely.

Emma likes to "help" me pull weeds.  She eats the grass near me, smiles, walks into my lap, knocks me over with slobbery kisses, gets me all covered with that special Emma stink.  Then Abbey pushes in to get her hugs - and I am on the bottom of a wiggly stinky dog pile.  I love it.  Sometimes even the cat joins in.

Many of the grasses and weeds have been kept in check by Magnet.  He loves the oat grass especially.  He does not eat tumbleweeds or the low weed that looks kind fern-like.  But he make a big difference in the height of the general greeness of the yard.  I have to be sure to keep him away from the house, where the flowers are.  He loves roses!  Sometimes, as a treat, I will let him "prune" a rose bush for me.  Usually I do this after I've had to trim his nails, or some other chore he does not like.

I've been reading my Garden book - planning my new vegetable and herb garden.  I put the onions in the front yard where the tomatoes were last year.  Crops have to be rotated in a special way because of nutrient demands on the soil.  There are so many things I'd like to grow, but I have to limit it a bit.  Often ideas cannot be matched by body strength or willpower...so I hope I take that into account enough.  The new garden will be on the south east area of the yard...in a place that receives the run-off from our neighbor's watering.  We have been changing the slope of the yard and the structural make up of the soil in the garden area to improve drainage and aesthetics.  A super fence will have to be designed to keep out rabbits and dogs, coyotes, etc.  I don't know how to keep the gophers away.  Traps, I guess - no poison near a garden.  Unfortunatly the book is not real helpful in that department.  Maybe I should plant daffodil bulbs all around the perimeter.  They hate daffodils.

It looks like the rain has let up a bit.  Think I'll go outside and enjoy the air.

Lizard Lady

I seem to be a chameleon - not the first entry in Webster's (any of a group of Old World Lizards with granular skin, prehensile tail, independently moving eyeballs and the unusual ability to change the color of the skin), but the second entry (a fickle or changeable person or thing).  Upon consideration, parts of the first entry do suit me at present, however, that is not what I want to talk about right now.

I am a copycat.  Not outright so  much - but, well - I am an emotion thief...I eat up the emotions I see in other people, read in books - and then - those emotions become me, or I become them...that energy becomes my energy.  I am overly sensitive and spongelike.  Am I stealing those emotions, or are they thrust upon me?

What do you call it?

empathy:

1. the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it. 
2. the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thought and experiences of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts and experience fully communicated in the objectively explicit manner.

sympathy:

1. having common feelings,emotions, experience
2. an affinity, an association or relationship between persons or things wherin whatever affects one similarly affects the other
3. mutual or parallel susceptability or a condition brought about by it
4. unity or harmony in action or effect, emotional or intellectual accord, feeling of loyalty, tendency to favor or support
5. the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another
6. the correlation existing between two bodies capable of communicating their vibrational energy to one another through some medium

All of these fit me at one time or another.  (Yup, even number 6). 

See - this is why I cannot work in business.  Because most people do not act this way.  Most people act like practical adults and just do their jobs without taking "feelings" too seriously, because, well - It's business.

Anyway - the reason I am writing about this is because it is bothering me quite a bit right now. 

I recently read four books in a row that dealt with some serious psychological trauma of women.  I became terribly depressed, so much so that Boyd was worried.  I began reading a book about an elephant last night - and this morning I was not so sad.  I am encouraged by the bravery and clean spirits of nature and her beasts. 

I am an easy mark for salesmen too.

In a large way I love my sensitive nature, but it can become scary to me at times...and painful.  I do want to understand people and things, but do I have to take on their energy as well?  How do you stop that ... that ... naivete?

One of my Favorite Things

One favorite thing in my life has been the time I spent in the theater.  For about three years I took acting classes, participated in summer conservatory and played in many productions at the local community college where I earned an associate's degree in Theater Arts. 

It began as a way of supporting my daughter's involvement in something that would help her overcome her shyness; and in the process - I helped myself also.  It was a good time of sharing with Laura; a good time of getting to know her and getting to understand some of the younger adults in the artistic fields.  For the most part - Actors are a different sort of people. 

INSERTED NEW COPY - This was a time in my life when I was too shy to begin new things by myself and I used my daughter's life as a springboard for my own experiences.  I was offered some roles because of my age, rather than abilities, I enjoyed it immensly and the strokes to the ego were unequaled to anything I'd ever experienced.  That is a powerful emotion...especially to a person who did not often receive any strokes in life, but who always felt she deserved them, even if she didn't.  At first I think Laura enjoyed my being there, but I know that after awhile she wanted the expereince for herself.  She wanted me to appreciate her from afar; she did not want to feel any sort of competition with me.  I selfishly ignored her and continued to play for quite some time, knowing she was hurt.  Her kind nature only flared against me a couple of times (or I chose to see it a couple of times, I'm not sure which it was).  I truly did not see us as competitors, becasue the parts we qualified for were so different.  But she wanted the Mommy in me; not a peer.  And I failed her here.  It is a part of me that I am embarassed to admit.  I love Laura dearly, but I hurt her and I am sorry for it.

I enjoyed the sharing of emotions, the realities of "being in the moment", the earthy rawness of gut reactions, the honesty of them.  The people that I met in the theater were always very kind to me.   I was the 40 something year old in the group of 18-75 year olds.  I tried not to embarass Laura, and bowed out after about a year or so of us working together.  Watching her grow and get stronger and more confident was wonderful.  She grew to be so brave.  She did theater in some of the other local venues as well as the college.  I know that her experience in theater has helped her writing.  (She is currently persuing an MFA  in Creative Writing).  One of the wonderful things about Laura is that she has and can relate to the emotions, but, and maybe more importantly, she has a practical side that has helped her to choose her path, rather than wander aimlessly in search of 'feelings".

I learned Stagecraft - we put up and tore down sets...so there was carpentry and painting and set dressing and props involved.  I learned Makeup.  That was fun; creating age and youth and helping personalities show through to an audience.  We also made masks.  That was awesome.  Lighting was a little scary; working up in the highest parts of the theater; on cat walks, changing lights and filters and moving around with the ghosts.  (I think all theaters are supposed to have ghosts). 

Some of the productions I was in   ...  Let's see...there was
Much Ado About Nothing
Damn Yankees
Hedda Gabbler
The Shadowbox
You Can't Take It With You

I had the lead role in You Can't Take It With You.  It was the best time!  Every performance received standing ovations and I was thrilled.  It was very hard work and a very life consuming time, and I loved every minute of it.

Sometimes I think I would like to go back to acting.  But my memory has gotten so bad.  Funny, in acting class they tell you that the  memory part is not the hard part...but it is for me.  I can fall into many characters happily...and stay in character...but the memorization was tough.

I see that the college has built a new theater.  They still have the old one, but the new one is bigger and it looks like it is reserved for the music department; but I bet they do all the musical plays in there.

Good times
Good times, Sort of

anger and fear and words

The last two posts at Bedlam Farm have been very  meaningful to me.  Jon (that blog's author) is dealing with anger - and he speaks of anger becoming fear.  When we feel anger, we need to express it, not hold it in.  One of the best things Boyd and I have grown to be able to do is argue and be angry with each other - and a little while later show love again to each other.  It has taken us 30 years to be able to do that.  I'm a bit of an emotional cripple.  Thank God for Boyd.  Our strange mismatched collection of baggage suits us.  It hasn't always.

I have stuffed so many words of anger down inside my guts over the years; all my life.  The words are all still down there, but they have been thoroughly mashed into an unrecognizable wad of bilious goo.  I have been working hard to get them out, wash them off and deal with them.  Sounds like an easy task, but ...no, it is not easy.  In my dreams random words just spill out of my mouth to total strangers, but in reality I battle the fear of rejection for my feelings, for my words, about ... whatever topic it happens to be at the time.   Again - thank God for Boyd...and for my shrink Patty, those listeners who gently guide me through the world and keep me from falling off the cliff.

Some of the books I've been reading have dealt with this same phenomenon.  The books "Speak" and "The Bell Jar" showed me some of the traumatized blank nothingnesses of mental illness. The lack of words in both works left me feeling shaken and unnerved.  And, in both instances, had the women spoken their words, their anger, their complaints - at the point of trauma - their situations could have been entirely different.  Their illnesses may have never materialized.

In my youth I considered my ability to hold my tongue a great strength.  I thought it was better to be kind and to be careful to not hurt anyone; even if it meant I hurt myself because of it.  I thought I was a strong person and could handle it.  And I was strong - for about 30 years.  And then life became a bit too hard for me.  Perhaps if I had not over-burdened myself with the weight of all those unspoken words of anger, (fermenting  in my core) I could have stayed healthy and strong.  Perhaps I would have not been so afraid of emotions and could have experienced them more fully and clearly.  And if I was lucky, that could have been a good thing.