Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Doctor Who and Netflix

Boyd and I have been watching Doctor Who via Netflix for quite awhile.  I love that show!  Boyd has gotten hooked too.  

We've watched since the Doctor before David Tennant ... Christopher Eccleston was his name I think.  He was the 9th Doctor and his traveling companion was Rose.  My favorite Doctor is Matt Smith.  His acting is superb.  He can look 12 and he can look 112. He uses his face and body with such perfection - I can tell so much even with the volume off.  Wonderful.  As for the travelling companions I like the Ponds the best.  Amelia (Amy) Pond and her husband Rory.

Boyd and I had gotten almost to the end of Matt's time as the Doctor when Netflix decided to remove the show from its streaming queue.  We tried to watch as much as we could to get it all in...but we failed.  Fortunately Netflix did let us finish the episode we were watching and not go off air at midnight exactly.  The show finished at 12:14am and then there were no more.  So, we met this current Doctor, an older gray haired arrogant person, whom I don't think I like.  If the writers are smart - I will like him again soon.  But, not on Netflix.  I have to find another way to watch.  Perhaps on BBC itself?  I don't know.  I do like The Impossible Girl, Clara, and the Doctor's wife (the Pond's daughter) River Song.  Yeah, I know - weird.  But, it's a time machine!

You have to watch this show.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Wind & Waves Part 2. The Aftermath

Wow.  That wind was scary!  The fury of the shivering air was....  just, Wow.  I have never been in a gale force wind before.  It felt both amazingly wonderful and terrifyingly evil. An angry wind, a fierce blow with an agenda.  Destroy anything that is not nailed down. I was deafened by the screaming banshees flying and the eventual thunder and lightning which presented the epitome of a true storm.   This is San Diego County folks, we don't usually get real seasonal weather.  A typical storm here is a wispy spitting of light rain and enough wind to fly a kite or cruise comfortably in your sailboat. 

Speaking of sailboats, Boyd went to the harbor this morning to re-check our boat.  He had made some adjustments yesterday - and good thing he did!  The boats in the harbor got hit hard.  He and a few others went around trying to help out many boat owners who were damaged.  Shredded sails and biminis, missing parts and pieces ... found floating far away from their boats.  San Diego boat owners don't think about the things a Maine sailor would.

Here at home many of the outbuildings were damaged and the horses were totally freaked out!  It looks like the old man - Lil Fella might be sick.  He is upset, and has foundered many times already in his 29 years.  Chapo got hit on the head by a flying roof of the hay barn. Just a small wound on this tough stallion. Broken branches from the towering eucalyptus trees crossed the trail on the perimeter of the property;  fortunately missing buildings and fences, humans and animals.  

The air today was beautiful.  Clean and crisp with white puffy clouds.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Wind and Waves Today

Boyd and I drove to the harbor this afternoon.  The wind was exciting and cold!  Well, cold for San Diego County anyway.  It was below 50 degrees.  We checked on the boat...and good thing.  The sail had begun to unfurl.  Boyd got everything tied down and buttoned up.  We checked on a friends boat and it was a  mess!  The bimini was shredded and their sail cover was blown away.  We saw many boats with shredded sails.  That is a very costly lesson in sailboat care.  We were warned of Gale- Force winds today.  Some boats in the harbor were jumping up and down and side to side, bumping and grinding on the docks.  An unfortunate location right in front of the first waters into the harbor from the ocean- and a straight shot of wind at them.

We drove out along the beach to see the waves. Wind and sand pounded the car.  The waves broke over the tops of the jetties; fast and furious.  It was exciting to watch.  However, we hastened our retreat taking care to not hurt the car with the coarse sand on the paint and in the motorworks.

When we returned home we saw several out buildings had lost part or all of their roofing.  They were all along the horse pens.  No horses were hurt.  They are very excited though.  They have on their coats for the night.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Realizing ignorance

The longer that I live, the more I am assured of my stupidity.  Pardon me, not stupidity, more like being ignorant or misinformed.  Little and small thoughts I thought to be my beliefs are wrong.  And - I thought I was done with that realizing.  I thought I was down to the basics in my psyche type discoveries.  But, even the small things are becoming my undoing.  Other people are remembering things differently than I remember them.  My feelings and/or beliefs on many subjects are proving to be wrong...and they are being proven to me by people I considered not as intelligent as me.  It is very humbling.  My ego cried for a while today - and then just fell down in a slump and gave in.  I know nothing really.  I thought I could at least claim a little glimmer of info/intelligence for myself.  But I was wrong.

I've lived most of my life with an escape from of any piece of any statement I made.  There are no certainties...there must always be a way to back out gracefully when I find myself in a pickle.  Or simply to make statements such that no escape is necessary because the statement is not made in an absolute manner.  But recently I feel no grace, I feel no need for that grace.  I am simply dumbfounded when I am proven wrong on subjects that I long believed I knew about.  It is not a negative feeling really - more like a sad acceptance of another new fact.  Sometimes I care about it, sometimes not so much.  But, I guess it is enough to write a little about.

I often wonder how so many people can make statements and stand by them.  A particular person believes a certain statement to be true, They will prove it and often have people agree with them. Then when there are other people who can discount the theories and prove the first person wrong - he will still believe he is right.  Yikes!  I just don't get it!  Egomaniacs?  Lack of communication?  Language problems?

Anyway. today I had several such encounters with my husband and my sister in law.  They were simple things - unimportant things - but I was proven wrong.  Again.  And when it happened I fell silent for about an hour.  I don't think either of them noticed my sadness or my non involvement in our sailing adventure this afternoon, as I often have my quiet times.  I was sad, and still am, that I am finding out that I am not a smart person.  It has been years since I've worked. Sometimes I loved my job.  I loved going to school, I loved getting good grades.  I loved applause.  And I have not received any applause in a long while.  It is a sort of lonely feeling.  I was a Hermione (from Harry Potter novels) in my younger days - a know it all.  It got me into trouble quite often and I tried (and succeeded) in mending my ways.  

Already my mind is ticking off items of interest on this subject.  First is - I have not been trying for applause.  I have not been trying...anything really.  I have been sitting with either a book to read or a movie to watch.  My home is messy, but not filthy.  My husband and I share laundry duties.  Sometimes I cook, sometimes we order out.  It is as though I am disappearing.  

We live in a world that is so large, that the earth is an invisible speck on a chart.  And on that speck live 7 billion people, all with different personalities, spiritual beliefs and shapes and colors,etc.  Is the individual earthling, born in the state of California of the United States of America in the Northern Hemisphere - really important enough to have important statements to make?

I suppose if I lived in a place where I had to work for a living I would feel differently.  I have an easy life.  We are not wealthy for Californians, but overall the earth - I think we are rich.  What if I were a middle eastern woman who had to wear that black dress, covering everything and had none of my personality valued,  What if my life was inhumane...  with too many children and a husband who beats us.  If that fear and torture were involved, would I be more awake?  Or would I just lay down and die?  I couldn't die because I have children to feed.  I would probably be busy trying to out fox the husband to get what i want and what I need.,,without getting stoned to death in the process.  Of course my feelings of entitlement would probably not be there - as they stem from attitudes in the United States.  It is difficult to imagine life in another's shoes.

Focus Jenn!  Tomorrow - plan your day and be productive.  Don't waste this precious gift of life.  Not very much left of it.  Do things.  Be Happy!

Monday, January 25, 2016

And the beat goes on....and the beat goes on.....drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain....

So - dear ones - my diet is in place and doing great so far.  I went out to lunch with Cindy yesterday and had 3 tacos, 1 skinny margarita and beans and cabbage salad and chips and salsa.  No dinner.  My weight stayed the same.  Yay!!!  I do love going out to eat and play!  Today I am concentrating on cleaning the house and beginning prep for my vegetable garden.  I found another stevia plant today at Lowes.  Stevia is the Best sweetener!  Going to wash the dogs also.  They have had 2 servings of their worm medicine, with a third one tomorrow.  They don't like it much.  Tomorrow I will disguise it with yogurt or ???  Something better than peanut butter, which they love, but they know I've hidden something in it.  Clever girls.  

Such a beautiful day today!  Sunny and 70 degrees.  The birds are singing and the air is fresh. Thanks for all the wonder in my life.  Thanks for a wonderful husband and children.  Thanks for the love.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Statistics Show...

I was looking at the statistics for this blog of mine.  It tells me how many views there have been and what country they are from.  I have some from China, United States of America, Poland, Germany and Mexico.  Wow!  There are not many of you - but to think that someone so far away from California would read my essays - just, Wow!

I then I began to consider how whiny I can be.  Yikes!  I have a good life here in San Diego County.  Compared to many people, I have a home, food to eat, shelter, a husband who loves me and 2 fun dogs.  My son lives next door and is progressing well in all aspects of his life.  My daughter is miles away, but we talk and visit all the time.  She is married to a good man and they have a home, two children, a dog and a cat.  Basically, everyone is doing well.  I am grateful for what I have.  I did nothing to deserve it.  I am only an average person - at least I think so.  

But, when I read the news, creep out of my comfy hole and look at other people and their troubles - Wow!  While in my comfort zone I forget there are other people with other lives.  I read on Facebook this morning about a man who had a mini house built for him and he was happily living in it.  It looked about 8 x 10 feet maybe, and it was taking up a parking place on the street...the same area a can would take.  The police kicked him out and put him in jail!  I see so many people living in tent cities and plastic make shift shacks under freeways, or in semi secluded areas.  People just trying to live.  The basics - Shelter, Food, Warmth.  And this is San Diego!!  Imagine the winter blizzards!
Even the rain, the mud of our rain storms...the cold air from the ocean, can cause illness.  This season's flu virus is horrible.  Imagine if you could not stay warm enough!  Or dry enough.  Or have enough clean water to drink or food to eat.

As I consider all this, I begin to feel like I want to help something, someone, somewhere.  And I imagine trying to give out blankets, socks, hat...and being either mugged or ridiculed.  I don't know.  Perhaps that is me trying to get out of it.  I wonder if the charity groups reach the neediest of people.  Who are the neediest of people?  Are we aware of them?  Or are they silent and hidden away?  

I think I will check out the different charities and decide where to begin helping.  I don't want to sit around consuming...just another fat American.  I want to share. Of course, my husband might have something to say about it.  I run on emotion and he runs on logic and rationality.  But, he is a kind man and will work with me on this I think.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I'd love to know who reads this...why do you read it?  do you like it?  or am i part of a statistical percentage of certain types?  or something like that.

i hope good things for you.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Auras, Spirit Animals, Psychic Ability

I want to believe in a power greater than me.  I want a creator who is all powerful and loving.  I am a Christian sort of...I don't know what the different denominations would say about me now.  I believe in the majority of things in the Holy Bible, however, which version?  And, why are so many documents left out?  And how do you know that the scholars who put it together were working through the Spirit of God?  I've known many people who claim to have the word of God - and they are liars.  We are human beings.  We make mistakes.  So, what to believe, and why?  

My friends tell me I over think things.  I do.  I want to understand.  I want to know if what some people call phony - is it phony?  or is it true?  or sorta true?

I've been playing with the idea of visiting a Meet-Up with a Psychic Development Group.  It is $25 for 2 hours in Oceanside.  Why do they charge money?  Is it a way to make money?  Is all of religion and / or spiritual need just a money making opportunity?  

Perhaps rather than meeting with people I should read books.  I've noticed that many people on Facebook groups do not seem very intellectual.  Emotional people can believe lots of things to make them feel better.  I am an emotional person.  Is that what I want?  

I've had people tell me that my Aura is a blueish crystal color.  My spirit animal is the Owl with the Bear a close second.  I've loved and felt bear-like forever.  Especially with people I love.  I am a Momma-Bear, for sure.  Sometimes I just "Know" things about people.  It is a calm knowing, but the fact that I feel it surprises me.  

I believe that God is bigger than I was taught he was.  I think the Bible puts Him in a box.  Not everything is addressed in the Bible...or, if it is, it is not clear to the average 2016 person.  Language changes all the time.  Cultural slang becomes proper speech over a period of several years.  It is one of my pet peeves, but I lose my language because people can't spell, slang changes because of media, the arts, music, etc.  

Why would God want to encourage killing?  Hate?  So many people have died in the name of God. 

Of course there is hypocrisy in churches.  I'm not talking about that. That is not the reason I have not been to church in a few years.  I realize humans are broken and that is why they search for God.   

I just want to know if God will hate me if I research other types of spirituality.  The Bible tells me it is an abomination.  But, why?  Isn't God big enough to watch as we live and learn from other things in His world?  If we bump into things and be it.  If we learn more - and discover a bigger world, a bigger that wrong?

I think that if I'm wrong and I bump into monsters in the darkness, God will forgive me and welcome me fact, he will save me.  I know he loves me.  He made me and he knows about my curiosity.  When my children are curious, I want them to discover things for them selves, but I want to protect them from harm too.  When they discover for themselves, they are more likely to return to me permanently.  If I tell them, if I command them - they may revolt, turn away and never return.  I think God knows that too.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Friends, Margaritas and Vegetarian Food

What a lovely day it has been.  My sister in law/friend turned 54 today and we spent the day together.  We haven't done that in awhile.  We went to a Chinese place in Bonsall where we enjoyed Chow mein, fried rice and shrimp prepared an a special green sauce that was like hot spicy frosting.  Sweet and hot - very good!  The drinks we had are special.  Cindy had a Mandartini (mandarin orange flavored martini) and I had a Fortune Cookie (Bailey's Irish Cream with milk and a blended fortune cookie).  Cindy had her usual double shots and I had iced tea after one drink.  The drinks were so tasty.  The food was yummy as well.

Afterwards we drove to Sundance Equestrian Center to see our old babysitter horses and our ex-trainer , Sara Whyte.  Sara was not there, so we visited with all the horses.  Most of the horses are different now.  Cash, Dean and Riata were not to be found.  That was kinda sad.  But there were new loves to scratch and pat.

We decided to roam the countryside for awhile and headed to Valley Center.  We passed The Yellow Deli and headed to Morningstar Ranch.  Black Angus and Hereford cattle were grazing in a field on our route, so we stopped and took pictures and came to the conclusion that cows are not as friendly as horses.

Our next stop was a little Mexican restaurant in Valley Center for margaritas.  We took a lot of photos and uploaded them to Facebook as we got light headed and happy on the tequila.  Kill Bill was on the bar television.  Chatting and drinking.  It was nice.

When we realized the time (4pm) we headed down the hill towards home, stopped at BevMo for another bottle of Cazadores and then went home.  Cindy to hers and me to mine.  Boyd and I will be on our way to Richard and Cindy's soon - for pizza and cake.  A very merry birthday.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


Last night I dreamed that I was conscripted into the military.  I was dressed in green fatigues and was standing near my son and my husband, who were dressed like me.  Andrew was encouraging and congratulating me on "Stepping Up" and "Taking Possession of my Life" and "Doing good for Others"... that sort of thing.  We were standing in a white hallway with others who looked new to their position - same as us.  Then the people in charge started handing out guns.  Boyd and  Andrew and most of the others received rather ordinary looking automatic weapons.  I received a gun that was as big as me!  I was to carry it horizontally; holding it at a smaller place in the center.  It looked like a canon of sorts.  I asked - :Is it a canon?"  The reply was "No".  My family encouraged me and tried to calm me down.  Then the people in charge began talking about landing on the our designated areas.  Landing on the ground?  I asked if we jumping from an airplane or helicopter.  The answer was "No.", but I noticed that we were all hooked on a line together, and indeed, we were going to exit an airplane.  Then I had to go to the bathroom - both pee and poop.  And urgently.  I was loosed and I looked and looked for female bathroom and found none.  Then I woke up.

Neko Gun Girl Photo by liertosasuke | Photobucket

Monday, January 18, 2016

This Season's Flu...and then there are the cold virus's too.

I had a flu shot in October.  Both Boyd and I did.  I have asthma so I usually get one.  This season they made a mistake and used the wrong virus.  I imagine it is pretty difficult to guess which bug will rear it's head when.  Boyd and I both got the flu.

Boyd is on his third week.  I had mine back in November.  It seems to last three weeks and starts out as a migraine headache that soon focus's on the sinus.  Exhaustion and achy muscles, fever and sore throat, stuffy head and finally the congested bronchi.  Some lungs might have a wrestle with it too.

I have some bad habits that include my hands touching my face (Ack!!)  I try to keep them washed, (my hands), but I often fail at being sterile.  I am a dirty human.  And I touch things like stair rails and grocery carts, and I like to hang out with the under belly of the infectious society - toddlers.  A toddler's toy contains trillions of angry little monsters waiting for just the right Granny or Gramps to play with.  And then of course, the slime of society - the uninvited sick guest who coughs in your face, touches your doorknob and bathroom sink and gives you a lovely hug or shakes your hand, planting a marching horde in your home and on your skin.

I am a flu Nazi.  I hate it when sick people expose others  And I go out of my way to not share my bugs with others.  Unless it is something that we need to get over and done with (like chicken pox).  Oops...I guess there is a vaccination for that nowadays.  Back in my day, if a kid got the pox, we called the other Moms and invited them over - so we could all get it over with together.  Maybe we should do that with the flu, except that the flu bugs mutate and you can catch another flu...similar, but different enough to make you ill.  And, the grocery and drugstores would run out of Nyquil.

Along with the flu, several types of colds have been making the rounds too.  They do not last as long and are not as mean.  Still uncomfortable, still contagious, but not nearly as painful.  Since the end of my flu I have had three colds.  I guess since I am older now I need to take more vitamins and beef up my immune system.  Boyd has also had a cold.  I don't remember old people getting colds.  Did I just not pay attention to them, or were they immune back then.  I know my parents get sick, but I don't remember my grandparents getting sick...from the 60's to 90's.

Ah well... my hubby is up out of bed again.  I will try to get him to eat, but he has no appetite.  Why did I not get that symptom?  Dang.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

New Day, New Chapter of Life...

To Do List For New Chapter of this Life of Mine

Get Time Management Down for the following:

Till Garden

Join Writer's Workshop in San Diego
Diet Regime
Exercise Regime
Purge House and Shed
Walk Dogs Daily
Finish cupboard
Finish sewing Projects
Visit Dad once a month
Call Sisters 
Continue relationships with children and grandchildren
Do something fun with Boyd at least once a week.

Friday, January 15, 2016

My Love Hate Relationship with Food

When I was young I loved to eat.  Cookies, cakes, ice cream, anything sweet was best.  I don't think there were many foods I would not eat.  My Mom cooked beef tongue once, and venison liver once...I would not eat those.  But, to be fair, I tasted them.  My Mom was not a good cook, so it might have been her.  I don't know which was the problem.  My grandmothers were excellent cooks; both creating tasty treats and meals extraordinaire!  Gravies and sauces thick with cream and butter were the name of the game.    When we stayed with my mother's mother - my Grandmother, we often went to potlucks with her groups - the VFW ladies and her church ladies. Such a variety of delectable goodies.  I was a happy girl.  Almost every photograph of me as a child shows me holding a cookie or some other piece of food.  My father's mother - my Grandma, had plans of opening a restaurant one day with her friend Ina.  It never happened, but she was always prepared to do so.  Sunday dinners at Grandma and Grandpa's house were many courses of well prepared European delights.  Grandpa was a butcher and they both had some German heritage, and many of the cold cuts (charcuterie) were the best in the state.  We always had the best cuts of meat.

That all sounds pretty good, eh?  For the best part it was, however, I was born a large person.  9 and a half pounds and about 18 inches long, I was a chubby baby.  My mother was able to leave the hospital three days after my birth, wearing the travelling suit she wore on her honeymoon about a year before.  My Dad was so proud of her.  She was a beauty and her body and health were very important to her.  When she was pregnant she was diagnosed as pre eclamptic and she was admitted to the hospital early so that she could lose weight and they could be careful of her blood pressure.  She was in a ward with women who were much heavier than she.  She told me they were fed extremely little and very bare foods with no sauce or flavoring.  She craved donuts while she was there and was so happy when I was born and she could eat again.  It looked as though her baby had taken all her calories and stored them as fat, because my mom was quite small after my birth.  I was not a breast fed baby.  In the 1950's hospitals were afraid of staph infections and discouraged breast feeding.  And, honestly, it would seem like I (fat baby) was eating her (thin mommy) alive.

That said, I was fed nonfat milk and healthy balanced meals, with attention given to not over eating.  I was healthy chubby and very strong.  I was a happy little person who was loved and felt properly accepted in her family.  When my sister Gigi was born I was two years old.  When Sigrid was born I was four and when Jill was born I was seven.  None of my sisters were chubby, nor did they have a passion for eating as I had.  As I grew it seemed I was always hungry.  

I do not know when it started - the people telling me - "you'd be so pretty if only you were not so fat", and the "such a pretty face if only...".   I heard those so many times in my life, I could probably travel to the moon on that many feet.  And, eventually, I was "fatty, fats, chubby, husky, cow, elephant", etc.  None of it stopped me from eating.  In fact, I began sneaking food, stealing food, and eating it in some hidden place.  

Some people nowadays think that fat people have been raised on fast food and that is the main problem; that people are not knowledgeable of nutrition and health.  Perhaps it is true of some, however - it was not so in my case.  We didn't go to fast food restaurants until I was in middle school, the late 60's/early 70's.  I was about 12 years old...just in time for puberty.  When that delicious form of food was introduced I was hooked.  I loved Burger King, McDonald's and Taco Bell.  I did not know that the reason for its tastiness was extra fat, sugar and salt; and I don't know if I would have cared at that age. It was consumed so rarely that the unhealthiness was ignored, When Mom decided to try drinking soda pop at home, it was Diet Tab and then Diet Fresca.  Always "Diet", never "regular' soda pop in our home.  Consumption was strictly monitored.  And, if I remember correctly, we didn't have it around until I was in high school, sometime in the early 1970's.

Many changes occurred 1968 to 1972.  Puberty, Grandmother's death,  a major emotional devolvement with my parents and my place in the family.  Apparently I was not helping the family by trying to take care of things for mom and dad.  It disrupt everyone and made trouble for all.  My sisters hated me and my folks told me to stop 'loving' them, my Grandmother (my confidante) had died and I had no best friend because of the politic of girls on the block.  I wasn't good enough, I didn't know why really.  Perhaps it was the saddle shoes I had to wear when everyone else had gone to other styles.  Perhaps it was my chubbiness, or my homemade clothes. I was alone.  Alone with the feelings of a person growing up, discovering so many different feelings in herself that were not explained, not supported.  Happy little girl quickly turned into depressed little girl.  Social anxiety and depression were my constant companions.  I did not know it at the time, but I also had obsessive compulsive disorder.  (Learning that recently helps explain many feelings).  I had many bad thoughts because of OCD.  I thought I was an evil person, a bad person.  My family told me so.  I could not make friends well.  That told me so.  I was just a B student, nothing special.  

What made me feel good in junior high school were the giant sticky buns that the cafeteria ladies made - hot, sweet and gooey, along with a steamy styrofoam cup of hot chocolate on a cold L.A. morning before classes.  And then, at nutrition - Nacho Doritos and Dr. Pepper.  An allowance well spent.  I don't remember what was for lunch, probably a sandwich of some sort.    I can still remember the smile that food gave me.  The happiness was not long lasting, but it was intense.  I think this was the first time food was my ally.

During high school and young womanhood I was always dieting.  The grapefruit and hamburger patty diet, the all vegetable and grain diet, the mostly meat diet, the Snickers diet, weight watchers diet, diet pills, Jack la Lane, Gloria Marshall, dance classes...there are more, but you get the picture.  

They all work - for awhile.  I was never more than 20 pounds over weight until I was pregnant in my mid twenties.  Then I blossomed.  I gained 80 pounds in my first pregnancy.  I was pre eclamptic and admitted to the hospital early for observation.  I was put on bed rest, where my mother in law (another wonderful cook) fed me.  Midwestern comfort food is so tasty.  And so fattening.  After the baby, I was able to lose all the weight I gained with exercise and diet.  Richard Simmons tapes helped me alot.  I love Richard Simmons.  His kindness always inspired me.  

I got down to a healthy weight and got pregnant again and gained about 70 pounds.  The weight loss happened the same as before...but I did not get quite as low.  I walked and walked with my children and I was strong, but still heavy.  I took classes at the junior college - dance classes, weight lifting classes...and I was strong - but still 'husky'.I got pregnant again and gained 80 pounds - to the heaviest I have ever been - 250 pounds.  The child was born with anomalies and died at 4 months old.  There was no diet for awhile.  

And then my husband was injured.  I realized I would have to go to work and perhaps be the strong one for awhile.  So I dieted.  (Because I knew that people like to hire pretty people, healthy people, and strong people) "The Diet Center Diet" was the best diet I've ever used.  It was healthy, balanced and the counselors helped me to stay motivated.  Eventually I came to work for the company, selling weight loss.  I got down to my smallest adult size then.  Size 6.  I was about 35 years old I think.  

When I was small I received so many compliments, stares, congratulations ... and it made me happy and then it made me mad.  Suddenly I was wonderful because I was pretty in people's eyes. That made me so angry.  It still does.  My "beauty" was dependant upon my size.  Again. 

I feel as though I am not a whole person because I am not pretty at my current 225 pounds.  Hardly anyone bothers to look at me.  When I go shopping with my sister in law (5 years younger than me) I am referred to as her mother.  I do not feel happy with myself and therefore I can make others feel bad too.  The thought of going on another diet is boring and hateful.  In the evenings, when my idea machine is working its best, I think of all sorts of things I can do...and then morning comes and the same old life, same old feelings of inadequacy loom before me.

There are many many stories left out of this post.  Basically I love to eat good food with other people who like to eat good food.  I hate eating with people who judge every bite I take, or the content of my plate.  During those times, I'd rather not eat.  I am a horrid cook, and getting worse.  One time a man looked me up and down and said that I must be a good cooker.  I was confused for a tiny moment and then I laughed and told him that I was not.  Then he was confused.  Really?  If you are fat it is because you are a good cook?  I'd never considered that before.

Many of the foods that I eat that keep me overweight are not foods that I like.  The calories I consume at lunches out with my friends are not enough to keep me here in the 200 pound zone. Part of the problem is depression, the unwillingness to take possession of my life and get up off the couch.  Go for a walk...just for fun.  Maybe take the dogs on an outing.  Instead I go wrestle a few pieces of bread out of their wrapper, smear them with butter, peanut butter, honey or jam (or maybe all together) and devour them in two or three bites; giving my esophagus something to choke on while I mentally cry as I stare out the window.  (or the closet wall...wherever...)  I go to the market and purchase what I think we need for dinner and buy 2? fresh donuts (or cookies, or...?) and eat them before I get home.  I store stashes of sweets around the house.  Sometimes I forget and find them later.  It's like Christmas!  

I try to not have my husband see me eat.  Especially the treats.  I know it upsets him. My son gives me stern talking to's about taking care of myself.  My daughter commiserates with me about food cravings and related fattie ideas and the psychology of it all.  I've been to a counselor/therapist and a psychiatrist for many years. Not always about food, but food is always related to whatever the thing I am talking about is. I've tried to lose weight biblically....worst thing ever!  Well, once it was the worst.  Once it worked okay.  Christianity and guilt go together in my mind... a whole spider web of disease there. 

Now, at 59 years old and 225 pounds at 5'7" tall, I need to lose weight to live.  Pretty is gone.  If I want to live, I need to lose the fat that surrounds and encompasses my internal organs, my heart feels a constant squeeze, especially if my asthmatic lungs are shortened and swollen, the fat that droops off of my weak muscles and piles on my belly is another hurdle, another obstacle that makes life difficult.  Merely moving is effort.  Breathing is effort.  I know what needs to be done.  I know how to do it.  I have known most of my life.  Can you imagine waking up every morning of your life and thinking - "God, I am so ugly...I am so fat"?  I wait...and I wait...for what?  Death? I've gambled with my health and the timing of the ultimate diseases...and I think, no I BELIEVE I've met the line.  If I go beyond this line I will lose the bet. 

 If I give up on this - weight loss- it is the same as giving up on life.  I take pills for high blood pressure, thyroid and depression/OCD.  These things are managed with the medicines but I am not a healthy person. Why is there no magic pill for weight loss?  Well, there sorta is, but it hurts my heart.  Ack!  I hate writing this!