Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

accepting the unchangable

it is normal for me to believe that bad things can be changed into good things...that broken things can be "fixed".  that seems like the american way.

it is not always true. 

some things are what they are and nothing can be done to make them better.  i am refering to chronic pain from a physical situation that will only get worse, never better.

accepting a seriously limiting situation is almost unbearable.  some people seek out those dramatic realms and wear the limiting qualities with pride, however, most folks are bucking broncos to the bitter end.  i do not think either type is a happy person.  how can one be content when there is always tear inducing pain in the background of everything you think, say or do?  the only flip side is a zombie like druggedness that allows the person to exist in a semi concious state. 

how can one be contented and happy when there is no way out of the pain?  all avenues have been explored and exhausted.  the pain stays.  forever.  there is no hope for anything better.  ever.  and you have another 30 years to live this way.

you manage your pain medication as best you can.  you see the physiotherapist monthly.  you try to be sure to get all your basic survival list covered - get enough food, water, sleep, rest.  you try to maintain a relationship with a world that does not understand a limitation like this.  a cynical world of unsympathetics who cannot understand what you live with.

the physical pain is one thing.  the anger is another.  the anger comes out of the pain.  anger at the doctors who caused the pain.  anger at the people who do not understand you, who are not able to understand you.  anger because your life is controlled by people other than yourself...doctors, insurance companies, corporations run by robotic money making machinery that is based on statistics and personal agendas of billionaires who have no interest in the "little guy", only their own pocketbooks.

the emotional pain does not go away either.  it is always there and it grows.  there is a large holding tank in your psyche crammed full of the rage you have felt for years.  the rage of a hopeless man.  and everytime a piece of life happens that the emotional pain in that holding tank can relate to - all the rage begins to quiver, shake...and eventually a tsunami of anger washes over everyone in the wake of that dark energy.  the people close to you are hurt and now you feel even worse than you did before, because you have hurt people you love.

so you try to love them more.  you try to make up for the pain that seeps out of your cracks and infects those who love you...those who will not go away to save themselves.  it infuriates you and it comforts you at the same time to know that these people love you as they do.

how can this pain be diffused?  how can it be made non-toxic?

eckhart tolle tells me that it must be accepted.  that we must surrender to the things that cannot change.  he says that surrender is freeing and not a weakness.  that there is great strength in it and only a surrendered person has spiritual power.  through surrender you will be free internally of the situation.  drop all inner resistance and feel the here and now. 

i think that can help with the emotional pain.  the physical pain will be what it is regardless, however, perhaps if the emotional pain is diffused then the physical pain might be lessened somewhat.  stress and depression do cause physical pain.  perhaps part of the physical pain is due to the emotional stressors.

accept that the pain is here to stay
accept that it was caused by someone else and there is no recompense
accept it is unfair and that is the way it is
accept that people will not always understand you and your situation - and that has to be okay
accept that you are not what you do, but what you are
accept that you have limitations - and that is okay
accept that you still do have some choices to make with your life.

there are probably more things to accept.

this is a big deal.  a huge deal.  it will take a very strong person to be able to do this.  a strong person that might appear weak to some...a paradox.

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