Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know wut yer gonna get

Monday, March 15, 2010

watching and learning about toxic energy

I had been doing well keeping my emotions at a livable level and then something happened to throw me off kilter.  it is a typical thing; has happened many times and I have always been affected by it.  the problem will always be a problem and it will always be somewhere in my life.  i will not bore you with the details of the problem.  the point of my post is about how i am trying to deal with it.

i took the advice of eckhart tolle and "watched" my emotions play out in me.  watching was difficult.  it was supposed to help me to detach from the pain of the problem, and still be connected with  my clean essence.  it did not work well.  perhaps because it was my first try.

hearing, seeing and being with the problem (that nothing can be done about) is emotionally painful.  my energy fell to zero instantly.  i began to feel ill with nausea and pains in the body.   i felt unmotivated and lazy and i wanted to nap or watch television.  i also wanted to eat cake.  it was bread making time - so i made sourdough french and irish soda bread.  however i sabatoged the soda bread by putting more sugar than necessary - and cooking it so that it was much more like a cake.  and i ate about half of the cake.  the breads were good and i loaded them with butter.  the warmth was soothing and comforting.  the sweetness in my mouth was pleasant.  but i did not feel nourished by the food.  i still felt the void caused by the toxic energy.  i did not feel that the pleasantness i received from over eating the carbohydrates was of high enough quality to compensate for the unbalanced nutrition.

i was not able to connect with me yesterday.  i only felt the toxic energy and my emotions waltz around and toss me in their wake, trying to get my breath and not be drowned by the whole dynamic.

eventually it was bedtime and i succumbed to a dream filled nightime.  i slept longer than usual and awoke to renewed positive energy.  the toxic atmosphere had gone away.  the problem had been put away.  the problem's vessel is trying to live in cleaner energy - but we are all constantly learning how to abide with pain.  it is a very thin line.

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