Life and Death and War and Cards

Last night I went with my husband to play cards with an elderly neighbor.  He fell and broke his leg a little over a month ago and loves the card game Biribba.  It is a Greek game (or Italian - depending on who you ask), much like rummy on steroids.  He has been playing the game since his childhood.  It was a way to pass the time when the Germans would not allow Greek children on the streets during WWII.  George considers it a war game and he plays very well.  My husband and George were at the top of their games - amassing many many points, while I trailed behind, enjoying the experience.

Towards the end of the night - I did not know what exactly I was beginning to feel, but I was in awe of George.  Not that he played so well, but about his history - so many stories about Greece and war and family and survival in wartime - and the fact that a broken leg from a fall in the garden might now be the end of his life.  He is in his mid-80's and the leg is infected and antibiotics are not working.  His coloring is yellow and jaundiced.  He was in a good mood during play, but I think he became tired towards the end of the game.  It can take several hours to finish a game.

I'm nervous around people who are near death.  When I visited my grandparents and my mother as they were just days from their ends, it is an overwhelming sense of helplessness I feel.  I guess I always feel I want to help somehow.  And when I can't - I get a manic desire to jump on the table and do a happy dance...to entertain and make people laugh.

I know two people who have had the opportunity to be present at a person's moment of death; felt their last heartbeat, smelled their last breath.  My step mom said she felt it was a very special time - precious.  My husband felt the same when his mom passed.  Is there an energy transference?  Is it felt?  What happens?  What is it like to die?  Maryann said she held her dear ones in her arms and loved them as they faded away.  Boyd's mom was in a coma, but he felt her pulse as he held her hand.

Not a very cheery post I suppose.  But, I want to be able to give positive energy to people, and I don't in these situations.  Instead I feel overwhelmed - and so I avoid the situations altogether.  And that is just not nice.

Suggestions welcomed.

How funny.

I just finished writing a long piece on spirituality - pointed at a person I thought needed to hear it...and somehow I deleted it.  Wow!!  I think I was not supposed to write it.

That is pretty cool.

Remember to always come from a place of Love.

Old Drafts of Old Memories

Since it has been awhile since I posted here (except for the last post) I looked through past posts and found many drafts.  Thoughts I had and deemed unworthy of posting.  But I like this one.  So, here you are...


Monday morning Cindy and I had our weekly riding lesson.  We ride horses.  Cindy rides English style and I ride Western.  She says the English style makes her feel closer to the horse,(the saddle is smaller),  and I like Western because of Roy Rogers and John Wayne.  When I get the nuances of Western down, I'll give English a try...but that will be awhile.


It has taken me many months of riding to develop any type of mastery feelings in this venture.  In fact, I don't truly feel mastery yet - but I'm closer.  Much closer.  I can tack up and groom with confidance now.  I used to be so afraid I'd get it all wrong and hurt the horse.  Sometimes I still get the bridle twisted out of its proper shape.  Both the horse and I stand there wondering what the hell I was doing to her face. 


I have been working with a licensed trainer and lessons are an hour long.  I'm glad I did it this way because Sara has had me build skill and talent through a patient plan.  She majored in Behavioral Science and is quite adept at helping people (and animals) monitor and change their behavior.  I have never felt judged badly by anyone at the stable, except by myself.  Always uplifting, patient and kind.  I've had a glimpse of other people's dramas from time to time, but - such is life. 


I began riding because it is something I have always wanted to do.  When I was 4 years old we had neighbors who had horses.  They would go for rides fairly often and ride by our house.  We lived in Sacramento at the time.  (or was it Fair Oaks?)  Anyway - I remember standing on the corner where they would pass by on their way home from their rides.  I was too shy to speak, but I figured if I looked cute enough - they would see me and know that I wanted to ride. 

"Oh look, what a doll!  I'll bet she'd love to ride the horse.  Here, sweetie - you're so cute, I can tell you want to ride my horse.  Let me help you up into the saddle." 

In my mind I had a great time.  In my wishful young mind. 

Isn't it funny how clearly we can remember some things and not others?  That was 51 years ago!  And I can still feel the sunny, breezy day and I can smell the horses and the warm grassy mounds in the empty lot; sage I think.

There is Life in the Quiet

I read an article today that inspired me to be more accepting of myself.  I am an introvert.  I am a quiet person who lives in her head much of the time.  I will take talking 'streaks', when you cannot squeeze in a word - but, for the most part, I am quiet and reserved.  I like natural sounds (birds, running water, horse's nickering) rather than those of our technology (cars, trains, planes.)  The sounds of the earth and its creatures are comforting and help me to feel centered - both emotionally and physically.  And that reminds me of my core self...authentic Jenny... with all her strengths and weaknesses.  And it reminds me of my place in this universe.

It has taken some time to come to this calm contentedness.  And it seems to be a constant growth process.  Except, usually we think of growth as getting bigger, better; but my growth has been to strip away layers of scar tissue, scabs and stories created by my ego for its own preservation. 

 I've tried lots of things in the past to heal my wounds.  Some things work for awhile and then grow back.  This latest healer seems to be more effective because it is actually making the cause of the wounds unimportant.  The real cause of my wounds is myself and how I react to things.  When I take the importance out of those things (the stories), the reactions are much calmer and no wound is inflicted, and past wounds can heal when they are not constantly reinforced.

I've always liked the quiet.  Society told us that the best kind of person was outgoing;  Yet another way that other people cause us to doubt ourselves because they want to make money off of our fears.

This might make sense to some.  I hope it does.  It really is so much simpler than I thought.

Life Parallels

layers
of life
stories
all pertaining to the same underlying fact
of truth
telling me,
telling us.

i need to be
hit
on the head,
dense boney pumpkin that it can be,
to learn life lessons.
instead
i am blessed
to be able to see
and know -
to be shown
these multiple parallel lines in life.
sometimes on time
and sometimes too late
but all for good reason,
eventually.


these ironies
these metaphors
these reinforcing truths
aging confidence
in my soul.

early july veggies, herbs and trees

the watermelon and pumpkins are about 18 inches worth of vine this morning.  a flower or two on each - and the leaves and flowers are small.  the rabbits are not as big a bother  - even though there are about 5 times more rabbits this year than last.  i put up a different fence - obviously more effective than last year's.  the cucumbers and tomatoes are finally growing...they took a long time to start. i have trays of watermelon and pumpkin seeds popping now. and the corn seedlings will be about 4 inches tall when i put it in the ground this week. they are about 3 inches now. bunnies love baby corn - and i will put a plastic milk carton around each plant to protect them .  the plants doing the best here - i did not plant.  they are volunteer tomatoes growing all over the yard.  so far i see cherry tomatoes and the yellow teardops that we had last year.  spread by birds via there special organic 'fertilizer'.

my herbs are ... changing.  the oregano has flowered and is now beginning to fall over.  it is last year's plant.  perhaps it is finished and reseeding itself.  my thyme has barely grown and the sage grew and now looks like it is dying.  perhaps it dries on the plant?  the basil is already flowering and it is large and beautiful.  the rosemary bush out front is a rabbit house i think.  the dog has made an inroad on the north side of the bush...and the limbs are yellowing on that side.  it is a large bush and will survive.  rosemary is very hardy.

the strawberries are doing well.  soon i will plant a more professional row - with plastic rows keeping weeds and bugs at bay -  and a soaker hose for more efective watering.  the berries are delicious!  the grapes and berries have split stories.  i have one grape and one blackberry in the veggie garden out back.  They are doing very well.  I have 10 grape and 2 blackberry out front - and they are doing - not so well.  about one to two feet of growth out front versus 8 feet on the grape and 3 feet on the blackberry out back.  the ones in the garden are a year older - and they get watered much more.  after this season is finished - i will move the garden grapes and blackberry to the front - all together - and run the trellis and watering systems.  since this is the first year on the grapes out front, i am letting them grow however they want; without a trellis system.  next season i will take the healthiest - strongest part of the plants and attach them to the trellis line.  i planted them with wire cages for gopher protection - and it is working.  However i think i would like to invest in a gopher blaster for next season.  the roots will begin to go past my underground fence and go deep into gopher territory...and i hate losing plants to gophers.  (a gopher blaster uses propane, oxygen and fire to create an explosion - and the shock waves kill the gophers and moles, voles, etc.)

we have 3 avocado trees left out of the 5 we planted.  gophers took the two that died.  the remaining 3 are looking very good.  they were fed 2 weeks ago and get watered deeply once a week.  they are about 4 to 5 feet tall and look to be producing fruit.  i hope the fruit makes it without being eaten by insects or critters.  i moved our dwarf apple trees and they are looking wonderful - better than ever.  they took the transfer very well.  i used a little root stimulator and lots of water - and they are green and beautiful.  i was given several trees for my birthday - some lived - some didin't.  i lost the plum and apricot.  i think i planted them in an area that was too wet back in november.  the apple and the peach however - are doing very nicely.  the peach is battling some fungus - but i think we can beat it.  i pluck the affected leaves carefully and throw them in the trash right away.  careful not to infect anything else.  i hope i can get it healthy without using any chemicals.

it's been a long time...

i'm not sure why i stopped writing on this blog.  oh yeah, i remember - i thought it was a stupid self centered waste of time.  yeah.  well, perhaps it is - but then again, maybe there is some merit to journaling, eh?

so.  here we go again.

much has happened since last we communed.  the chickens lay eggs consistantly, however,  we've lost two as of yesterday.  one to neighbor dogs in the yard and one to ??  dogs or coyotes.  i think coyotes.  coyotes ate three of our neighbor's chickens last week.  there were a few months when i did not hear or see the coyotes - but they are back.  i am worried for the baby goats who should be born soon.  frankie is very pregnant with two kids.  her husband is a fearsome protector - but i think if the yotes worked together they could take him out too.  nature is awesome.  i say that with a sarcastic submission.  we can try to keep things orderly - but nature will win somehow.  just like jeff goldblum says about all female dinasaurs in jurassic park - nature finds a way.

we have a neighbor named willie who is interested in keeping his horse here.  the 9 year old stallion is not very big - i'd guess it is really a pony.  (14.2 hands and smaller is a pony).  willie's brother in law died and left the horse to willie's wife.  they brought him from mexico.  i will be sure to get copies of the vaccination records and identification records to keep on hand.  we put up two mare motels and have been changing the fencing layout in order to accomodate a couple of horses.  willie will feed his horse and pay us $75 per month to rent the space and use the trail around the yard.  we will probably have an arena space leveled out sometime this year also.

i've been taking horseback riding lessons for about 4 months now.  i love it.  the horse i've been riding is named Cash.  he's a lazy one time rodeo horse who is very laid back.  he will take advantage of me when he can.  i've learned that being 'nice' and asking him to do things does not work.  i have to be serious and apply pressure (the proper riding 'aids') to him - so he knows i am the boss.  it is a very different feeling for me.  i tried to use respect in the workplace, as my supervisor tool  - and with people it has mostly worked.  but with a horse it is different.  in order to have Cash perform the way i want him to, i have to exude honest, straight-forward power.  a confidance along with follow-thru - using the training aids appropriately.   my leg and butt muscles have grown stronger.  and i can now stand on one foot and not fall down.  my balance has improved like crazy.  getting coordinated enough to do so many things at one time (don't look down, sit up straight, quiet hands, more heel pressure, shorten those reins, turn your head more,  change your diagonal etc....)  has been difficult - but not impossible.  i'm sure i am a slower learner than the kids Sara (my teacher) teaches, but I am learning - deep, core learning.  which is good.  i like it. 

the garden is being turned under soon.  i learned alot from it...like do not plant everything all at once - stagger your plantings so you can enjoy your fruits all summer long and well into fall.  otherwise you have to figure out what to do with hundreds of pounds of cucumbers and pumpkins in the same week!  when we stopped producing tomatoes and i had to go back to the produce department, i must admit, i was tempted to stop gardening.  the produce department is well stocked and organized and the fruits and veggies are fresh and beautiful and don't cost much really.  BUT there is nothing like the flavor of home grown food.  those tomatoes were the best!  so i will replant - but i will be choosing some different things this time - and re-organizing the layout, etc.

i recieved a dozen grape rootstocks for Christmas.  I am putting them in a line out front, where they will receive good sun- and it will look awesome i think!  they are eating grapes, not wine grapes.  i also have 3 blackberry bushes that are going in.  last year's strawberries have multiplied - i have many more strawberries this year.  i am thinking about keeping all the berries together.  not sure yet.  i also put in 4 trees - apple, plum, apricot and peach.  :)

the sun is shining and the air is a cool 65ish this morning.  time for sunscreen, a hat and a shovel.