Animals here

Wow!  What a long time since I've written here.  Life here has changed.  There are now a dozen horses on the property.  All of the llamas passed on - as did both dogs (Emma and Abbey) and my cat Smokey finished her life at 20 years old.  Long loving lives for them all.  And a great hole in my heart for almost a year  

We rented out some of our property to a lady who gives riding lessons.  It is interesting and fun to watch and participate!  But, it is not the same as having your own animal..  We still have 10 chickens, but they are getting old and are laying less and less.  

I've been the one who has chosen all the animals Boyd and I have ever had - and there's been plenty!  This time it was Boyd's turn.  I only had once request - that the animal had to be able to come into the house.  It hurts me to not let the dogs come in the house.  I have always had dogs - and they always came into the house .  They were part of the family.  I married a man whose family considered dogs as outdoor things.  So strange to me.  And, I tried to live with that.  It was almost unbearable.  It was heart breaking.  So.  My only request - requirement really - is that they come in the house.

Boyd announced 2 weeks ago that he was looking for a new dog!  Hooray!!  We looked at a small female Pomeranian crossed with yorkshire terrier and decided against her.  Too many allergens - and she was very dominant.  Then we met Lucy - a 7 month old golden lab crossed with some kind of terrier.  She is 40 pounds and the friendliest little girl.  She loves us.  She loves Boyd.  She is very trainable and quite a lovely dog.  We are very happy with her.

Searching for ... what ,exactly?

I am having an MRI of my pancreas done this morning.  I am nervous.

I went to the Doc a few weeks ago because my poop was white.  It was after I attended a BBQ (most excellent flavors) that included very high fat meats.  I figured (and the Internet confirmed) that I should tell the Doc about it.  White is not a normal color for poop.  Blood tests, urine tests, ultra sound tests - all reveal that there is nothing wrong with me.  No stones, no blockages.  So, today is the MRI.  To look for cancer basically.  I think that this is all that is left to look at.

I do not like the idea of being in a certain position for an hour...and not moving.  I do not like the idea that - if there is any metal in your body, you could get hurt by the magnetic pull of it.  I don't know if I have metal in my body.  Nobody put any there - but, who knows what may have happened?  Something in my eye?  Maybe aliens put something inside me, I am always playing in the dirt and doing dirty things.  My Doc said I should take 2 tranquilizers.  That is good.  I don't want to feel freaked out.  Like I already do - and my anxiety grows as the minutes pass.

Well, I leave in 3 minutes.  Going to take my pills.  Wish me luck.

As much as I do not like the idea of this test - it is an excellent thing, isn't it?  To be able to see the insides so clearly.  Amazing really.

On Communication:

You never know when or if, a person is damaged, and how so, – please keep this in mind:

When you tell someone what you think about them, it is vital (if you love them) to phrase everything positively.  For example - the glass is half full, rather than half empty.  By using the uplifting and hopeful type of sentencing, you are telling the person that you care about their welfare. You are sharing love.  By using the more negative phrasing you are telling them that you are condemning them. 

¹neg·a·tive

 adjective \ˈne-gə-tiv\

: harmful or bad : not wanted

: thinking about the bad qualities of someone or something : thinking that a bad result will happen : not hopeful or optimistic

: expressing dislike or disapproval

The negative connotations, (words, tone of voice and posturing), may lock the person receiving the comments into shackles of self-loathing and negative beliefs about themselves.  If the Receiver has been in those shackles long, then you may be reaffirming and justifying their presence.  The positive style of communication works just the opposite, giving the person hope and increasing their awareness of you and what you want from them.  Once they can become truly aware in their soul, in their spirit  - and if they love you – they will try to give love back to you, by listening and perhaps opening a dialogue about changes and needs.

Often, people think that they need to tell another person about the other’s negative “qualities”, to teach the receiver about what and how they are…and how they should be.  As though, the person does not realize that they have faults.  The Teller might love the Receiver and think he is helping them.  Most people know they have faults.  If they have not changed them after many years, they have either accepted them as normal and okay, or they have a problem with them, and they are having difficulty changing.  It is possible that they do not care, but most people I’ve known have mental and/or emotional blocks to changing their bad habits because of these invisible shackles that have them bound into a loathsome identity created and strengthened by the so called well-meaning people who continue to tell them how bad their problem is.

Remember that everyone looks at life through a different lens.  Like theater lights – they can shine white and bright, or you can put a colored film across the light can and get a different colored light on your life’s stage.  You can put a stencil across the can and get shadows of things that are not really there…they are just suggested images…shadows of things that seem larger than life itself.  We do not know what lens a person sees with.  The person telling the “facts” to the receiving person might see things that the receiving person is not capable of seeing, and visa-versa.  Both of their lens’ present life in totally different colors and/or shapes.  This is not to say that either person is ‘wrong’.  They are different.  And communication is difficult, and sometimes impossible.

If one person has a certain pile of trash that has made their filter green – and they are trying to communicate with a person who has rose colored with flower stenciling on his lens…they can say the same words and feel very different things.  They might never truly see ‘eye to eye’.

Don’t beat each other down in the name of love.  Know that each word that comes out of your mouth will be tested and you will be accountable for them; both the letter of the word and the spirit of the word.  Take into consideration the person you are speaking to.  Try to speak to your audience; Try to know their lens; their filters.  Try to share the half full glass and thereby share love with that person.  Do not hate people in the name of love.

Of Dorks and Ponies

Yesterday I did something I have tried not to do for the past two years.  And I did it on purpose.  I spooked horses.

A group of riders here in North County will be in a parade this summer and they are going through a series of classes in order to be confidant with their equine partners on the asphalt in front of hundreds of noisy unpredictable Parade Watchers.  There were about twenty riders participating.  They marched in 5 rows of 4 riders across, down an imaginary parade route that we adorned with balloons, baby strollers, bicycles, loud radios, umbrellas...along with a half dozen or so people doing various over-exaggerated movements and noises.  There was even a braying donkey on the route.  Most of the horses were solid and kept under control.  There were three that I could see, who were having problems.  Most riders were able to stay focused and calm, being the confidant leader their horses needed.

I surprised myself and my friends with the loud annoying "act" I put on.  I am a basically quiet person most of the time.  But, those of you who know me, know that I can have a very loud voice, and I am basically a dork.  I wore my big white hat, that I pulled off and waved at the horses, I opened and closed umbrellas, swung a pool noodle around, shook out my blanket, swung a lead rope (that one got nixed), played Johnny Cash way too loud.  We all clapped and whistled and yelled and screeched as the parade passed us by.

"Woo.....Hoooo!   Lookit all the purdy horses!  Wowee Zowee.  I wanna purdy horsie...please mom!?!  Yay!!!  Yeeeeeee... ...Haawwww!" 

It felt so good to be silly and loud like that.  I think I may have embarrassed my more outgoing friends.   (Insert pat on back here)   I know that one of the riders was a bit angry with me because I was so annoying.  She was the one rider who had trouble with every pass.  I was just trying to do my "job" and help desensitize the horses to the unexpected.  And, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed being a loud dork.

Last week  the Fire Department worked with the riders.  All the bells, alarms, loud engine sounds, sirens and people in bright yellow gear with funny hats running around.  They tell me it was a pretty freaky time for the horses and their riders.

Next week, if they invite me back, I plan to bring dogs and kids.  And maybe my llama.

Lola and Tom the Turk

Lola is the newest member here on the "farm".  She is a black turkey who was meant to satisfy Tommy's sexual appetite.  She does.  Sort of.  Tom the Turk is a swinger really.  He will go after anything that is approximately shaped like a football on the ground that doesn't move.  But he especially likes the chickens.

Lola is a young hen.  I think she is beautiful.

Some people think turkeys have ugly heads, but I think they are attractive and interesting.  They change color depending upon their mood.  I like the medium pink best.  I have seen the range beige to red on Lola.  Tom's range is beige to pink to red to periwinkle blue, almost purple.  The periwinkle is a beautiful color.  I've only seen beige when Tom was under extreme stress.  A gate fell on him once and a dog attacked him once.  He was beige most of those days.  Poor Tommy was stressed...but physically okay.

Lola hangs out with the chicken hens.  They cruise the yard looking for grubs, earwigs, worms - but mostly finding and eating grass and dirt and whatever bugs live in horse and llama poop.  Lola makes the sweetest sounds.  She has a very feminine and comforting sound when she is foraging.  It is delicate and usually followed by trilly sounds.  It reminds me of the sounds the dinosaur in Jurassic Park made before he ate the fat man in his Jeep.  I'll admit when I first made the connection it kinda creeped me out.  But, well...evolution and all...I think Lola is an okay gal.

Just Your Average Jenny: Mind Discoveries

Just Your Average Jenny: Mind Discoveries

Mind Discoveries

I locked myself in an air-tight mental Tupperware container for forty three years.  Emotional trauma is a bitch.

I can't remember if I discussed the sources of that trauma, and they don't actually matter.  People experience pain and hurt and become damaged.  We cannot change these things.  They are in the past, they are what they are.  But we don't have to live in the aftermath forever.  God gave me a life and he says I deserve to live it.

I've always known that there is someone watching out for me;  Someone who is smarter and wiser and loves me. The Holy Spirit does these things, but, what I am talking about now is not spiritual.  It is my mind.   I enslaved part of myself  when I was twelve, because I truly believed that I could not exist with a portion of my personality left out to live in this world.  Problem is - we need all of ourselves in order to operate optimally.  Perhaps much of my lifetime of confusion and fear was because pre-adolescent me was trying to protect herself.

So many parts - and they are all important to the whole.

An amazing side effect of this uncovering - is that I don't feel like the pathways are clogged up with obstacles anymore.  I feel like a new part of me has been released and is happily carrying on.  In fact, she is dancing!  Stretching her legs and making plans for the future.