ARGHHHHH!!!!!

Deep breathe in.....and let it ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut...............

Okay, I'm over it.

I think.

Last year I lost 80 pounds.  From February 28th to September 28th - 7 months: 80 pounds.

and then I lost my job on October 16th.  Since then I have packed on at least 20 pounds.  I have not weighed myself this week ... it may be more than 20 by now. 

My damaged ego crawled into my stomach and demanded to be overfed with sweets and starches...comfort foods that I'd not seen since the winter of '09.  My ego is now a bloated mass of excrement, oozing lament and leaving a golden fatty train in its wake; like a corpulent slug on the way to another carbohydarate binge.  My mind occasionally awakens from this self induced comatose state and I begin to realize the physical damage that I have inflicted upon myself in the name of pity.  As a consolation for my poor pitiful self tonight I purchased a big bag of M & Ms and ate half of it. 

My essence is silently screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE!!  STOP HURTING ME!!" 

Don't get me wrong, I am still angry over the bullshit "business" practices of my ex-employers, however now I am equally angry at myself for inflicting more damage onto myself. Why is it that when I hurt I want to try to heal myself by hurting myself? If I had a broken leg would I try to fix it with a sledgehammer and a chainsaw?



My poor sister made the mistake of asking how I was doing a few days ago, when I was semi-conscience...and I told her.  Poor thing, she probably wanted to call the men in the white coats, but she very lovingly showed her concern for me by directing me to a television show and a web site called "Know the Cause". 

It is an interesting premise.  Fungus is killing us.  I've only watched a couple of the shows, but apparently an over abundance of bad fungii and a severe lack of good bacteria cause everything from acne to cancer. 

Seems a little over the top you might say.  I know I did. 

But then I did some thinking.  I have been on hundreds of antibiotic series in my 53 years on this planet.  As a teen I suffered with ear, nose and throat infections big time, not to mention the surgeries I've had that required penecillins.  And, amoxicillin is not strong enough for me; hasn't been since the 70's.  I have to take the heavy hitters to get rid of infection.  The really big guns that always give me athlete's foot and yeast infections, itchy skin, breathing difficulties, etc.  I would drink some acidophpolus milk and think that was that, but according to Doug Kaufmann of "Know the Cause", those years of antibiotic abuse have done years worth of damage...and require much more than acidopholus milk to do the necessary repairs.  Fungus eats sugar.  I crave sweets and breads.  Some people crave salts - I go for the carbs.  Always have.

So, I purchased some probiotics the other day.  Also some Caprycin, Coenzyme Q10, Food Enzymes, 1,000mg Vitamin C w/bioflavenoids, 1,000mg of garlic.  I also take a product called Juice Plus.  It is a whole food product high in nutrients.  My stomach has been rumbling and expelling on and off for three days.  I am guessing that is a good thing...getting rid of bad bacterias.  I hope, I hope, I hope...

I just read the next step.  It is called The Phase One Diet.  Like all "Diets" it says - This is a LIFESTYLE, not a diet.  I don't know about you, but I HATE that!  I am a food ADDICT.  I cannot just have a little bit and be okay.  I cannot be easy on myself and be okay.  If I were addicted to heroine would I shoot up and say that its okay once in a while?  No.  And I have to be harsh with myself when it comes to dieting.  So, sorry to all the psychologist types who see me dooming myself to failure because of hard boundaries.  I've tried it both ways - and the only way i lose weight is by being a Hard Ass on myself.  wish it were easier, but its not.

Okay - so...
Phase One Diet:
Grass Fed Beef, Chicken, Fish (those can get expensive, but Frazier Farms has them)
Eggs
Nuts (Except pistachios and peanuts)
Vegetables (Except corn, potaotes and mushrooms)
Carrot juices with other veggies, water, herbal teas.  (does this mean no soda pop?)
Green apples, berries, lemon, lime, avocado (why only green apples?)
Plain yogurt (yuck)
Real butter


Insert big sigh here

I can work with this.  Boyd will need some starches though.  that's okay.  We can do this.

I have practically perfected my Buttermilk Bread Recipe.  It is a great hearty bread.  I can get back to making it for Boyd and not eating it myself.  I can.  I think. 

Mind Set has to be right to begin this.




AAARRRRRHRHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH