Realizing ignorance

The longer that I live, the more I am assured of my stupidity.  Pardon me, not stupidity, more like being ignorant or misinformed.  Little and small thoughts I thought to be my beliefs are wrong.  And - I thought I was done with that realizing.  I thought I was down to the basics in my psyche type discoveries.  But, even the small things are becoming my undoing.  Other people are remembering things differently than I remember them.  My feelings and/or beliefs on many subjects are proving to be wrong...and they are being proven to me by people I considered not as intelligent as me.  It is very humbling.  My ego cried for a while today - and then just fell down in a slump and gave in.  I know nothing really.  I thought I could at least claim a little glimmer of info/intelligence for myself.  But I was wrong.

I've lived most of my life with an escape from of any piece of any statement I made.  There are no certainties...there must always be a way to back out gracefully when I find myself in a pickle.  Or simply to make statements such that no escape is necessary because the statement is not made in an absolute manner.  But recently I feel no grace, I feel no need for that grace.  I am simply dumbfounded when I am proven wrong on subjects that I long believed I knew about.  It is not a negative feeling really - more like a sad acceptance of another new fact.  Sometimes I care about it, sometimes not so much.  But, I guess it is enough to write a little about.

I often wonder how so many people can make statements and stand by them.  A particular person believes a certain statement to be true, They will prove it and often have people agree with them. Then when there are other people who can discount the theories and prove the first person wrong - he will still believe he is right.  Yikes!  I just don't get it!  Egomaniacs?  Lack of communication?  Language problems?

Anyway. today I had several such encounters with my husband and my sister in law.  They were simple things - unimportant things - but I was proven wrong.  Again.  And when it happened I fell silent for about an hour.  I don't think either of them noticed my sadness or my non involvement in our sailing adventure this afternoon, as I often have my quiet times.  I was sad, and still am, that I am finding out that I am not a smart person.  It has been years since I've worked. Sometimes I loved my job.  I loved going to school, I loved getting good grades.  I loved applause.  And I have not received any applause in a long while.  It is a sort of lonely feeling.  I was a Hermione (from Harry Potter novels) in my younger days - a know it all.  It got me into trouble quite often and I tried (and succeeded) in mending my ways.  

Already my mind is ticking off items of interest on this subject.  First is - I have not been trying for applause.  I have not been trying...anything really.  I have been sitting with either a book to read or a movie to watch.  My home is messy, but not filthy.  My husband and I share laundry duties.  Sometimes I cook, sometimes we order out.  It is as though I am disappearing.  

We live in a world that is so large, that the earth is an invisible speck on a chart.  And on that speck live 7 billion people, all with different personalities, spiritual beliefs and shapes and colors,etc.  Is the individual earthling, born in the state of California of the United States of America in the Northern Hemisphere - really important enough to have important statements to make?

I suppose if I lived in a place where I had to work for a living I would feel differently.  I have an easy life.  We are not wealthy for Californians, but overall the earth - I think we are rich.  What if I were a middle eastern woman who had to wear that black dress, covering everything and had none of my personality valued,  What if my life was inhumane...  with too many children and a husband who beats us.  If that fear and torture were involved, would I be more awake?  Or would I just lay down and die?  I couldn't die because I have children to feed.  I would probably be busy trying to out fox the husband to get what i want and what I need.,,without getting stoned to death in the process.  Of course my feelings of entitlement would probably not be there - as they stem from attitudes in the United States.  It is difficult to imagine life in another's shoes.

Focus Jenn!  Tomorrow - plan your day and be productive.  Don't waste this precious gift of life.  Not very much left of it.  Do things.  Be Happy!