the blind lady begins to see

i saw a flaw i have that affects me and my relationship with people.  i've been told about this flaw by people who love me; those closest to me can see it, however i have never seen it before this past saturday evening. 

i have a habit of beginning conversations (with people who i feel anxious around) by saying something negative.  in fact, it is usually something aimed at the other person's sensitive areas.  this is very ugly and i do not like it.  i mask it in loving concern or jokes, but it originates in negativity.  it is not loving. 

~~~~~~~~~~if i have done it to you, please accept my apology.~~~~~~~~~~

mind + emotions + life experiences = ? 

our reactions to the world are based on the "truths" we see through this equation.  they are skewed truths.  tweaked and seen through filters so that we can survive within ourselves.

the ego is formed by this equation.  beginning at birth, we learn how to survive in our world.  nobody's world is perfect - and everyone's world is at least a hair different.  remember that genetics are involved also.  and disease and chemicals and physiological dynamics as well.  the human brain is an amazing thing. 

all people have an ego.  it helps us survive.  it is very young and it will do anything to survive.  it is tricky and will elude discovery at all costs.  it is a liar.  imagine a very young child, raising itself - choosing what it wants to be, as it gleans information from life experiences.  all interpretations of life experiences are self centered.  it creates a world that may resemble reality, but is actually reality only to itself. 

the ego needs to feel value.  the ego needs to feel special.  the ego needs to feel vindicated and righteous.  the ego does not want to feel failure or low status.   the ego is the one who tells you - what is failure, what is low status, what is weak and what is strong.  but remember - the ego is a child and has defined those things through juvenile, self serving eyes.  the ego also knows the limits of what your mind will accept.  if you are a gentle spirit, the ego knows that it must mask everything in a loving righteousness.  the ego is a liar.

this is difficult for me to explain.  i hope you can understand this.

i think my ego has kept me blinded and unconscious for most of my life.  i have led a reaction based life - and i have chosen to live in a simple naivete - hiding from true realities because i "knew" i was strong enough to get through one more struggle, hold on till the end of the road.  something in me was smarter than everyone else.  i was special somehow.  i isolated myself - i was the goalie trying to keep the enemy out of my territory.  it is really the ego's territory.

by performing a pre-emptive strike i can alienate people to stay out of my end zone. 

during the past 7 months i have made it my goal to discover who jennifer truly is and to be able to be freed from the constant companion called fear.  emotional fear, by the way, is owned by the ego.  i feel like i am making progress, yet still have far to travel.  i have found that by watching my actions and reactions i can disempower (and perhaps dissolve) parts of the ego and thus, the effects in my life are alleviated.  it is difficult  (but not impossible!)  to find the quietness inside myself in order to truly see things.  prayer, meditation, working in the yard and with the animals helps.