still cleaning up? or what?!?

i feel like my goal of cleaning up my soul, spirit and psyche has been a good one - and it is still processing.  much of the chaff has blown away, leaving the heavier problem children to deal with.  jennifer is in there...and she isn't much different than i thought she was, however, she still has scabs in various states of healing.  some of them will never totally heal.  i don't expect them to;  they are memorials.  a big part of my goal is that none of them turn cancerous and deadly.


what is left:


i hate the woman who is responsible for my job loss.
          she caused others (and me) to see me as a failure
         
self loathing and sabatouge

a critical spirit

anxiety

fear



So, - Wow!  seems as though nothing has been accompished really.  all this delving into the center of my own storm has been for naught?  a waste of time?

maybe it was my way of trying to nurture myself;  licking my wounds, trying to create something larger and more significant out of a pain that thousands (if not millions) feel daily.  i certainly can find causes of my inadequacies; of my negative aspects - but that is not a solution.  i want a clean spirit - i want to be able to live life without blocked energy - i want to be able to say YES to life and feel good about it.  I want to be able to look at life and not see it surrounded by walls of fear.

i am tired of this rut.  climb over the rut and look at what is on the side of the road...look at the part of the road that is less travelled.  it is not smooth, but the view is different.

is it really just a matter of habit?

it cannot be that simple.  if it is that simple, then i would have the option to change it - there would be no excuses anymore.    part of what i want is simplicity.  clean is simple. 

when i make a big deal out of it, the smoke and mirrors give me validation for being the way that i am being.  no - for acting, the way that i am acting.  my being is more than the way i react. 

my true being is part of your true being; part of a collective true being.  by isolating myself, i elevate myself in egoic status.  it is a way of controlling my view of myself.  it is not truth.  it is a show.  the ego needs to feel important.  i have no outward status, therefore i try to create my own - in my isolation.

wow.

why do i do this?  fear.  i think that is as basic as it gets.  and i'll bet most everyone feels it.  perhaps in different ways - definitly with different reactions to it.  tender human egos don't want to die.  do they need to live?  no.  maybe.  i'm not sure.