i saw patty today.  i enjoy talking with her.  she understands me i think.  i hope.  we continue to travel down the healing path, and have discovered that it is cyclical.  i wrote about this before - or something very similar.  i examine my innerds - my psyche - watch, see, and clean up alot of stuff that has accumulated over time.  alot of pain and fear has dissolved.  but not all.  the basic fear - the root problem is still there.  but i am seeing it better now - and that is key to its dissolution.  my ego has worn individuality and apathy as a badge in order to have an important identity...a different identity.  since my ego demands perfection, it feels i cannot compete in the world of others, so i isolate and create my own type of world - and then hide by presuming to be more knowledgable, more mature, more spiritual.  the poor ego is rather pathetic really.

i have been able to be bold on the stage, to be bold in the workplace - but those were roles i was playing.  i did not show just jennifer.  just jennifer does not know how to be.  i've always had some type of role to define me.  when i have no role, as is my current situation, i fear being around people who might want to get to know me.  my neighbors for instance.  that is why it is so hard for me to walk in the neighborhood.  if i walk at the beach i am invisible...just one of the crowd.  same with shopping, going to the library - i am an invisible person.  most of the time that seems fine - but fear of walking in the neighborhood is too much.  it makes me a prisoner in my home, my yard.

my habit of saying something inflammatory right at the beginning of a conversation is another symptom of my fear.  it is like a scared wild dog - who bites first, rather than assessing the situation.  and of course, the loving concern, or a joke is the cover up.

i am very excited by this!  this means that i am closer to being open to the world - and perhaps living a bit before i have to leave earth.  to be able to feel content in myself, confident that everything is okay, even when it isn't, to have joy.